Personality Traits
in Abusive Relationships
Risk factors in abusive relationships
Certain personality traits predispose people to abusive relationships. The following lists are typical characteristics of both parties in abusive relationships.
Partners of Abusers:
Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers:
- 1. Intense need for love and affection. (See Love Addiction)
- 2. Low self esteem. (Belief that they can’t have / don’t deserve better treatment.)
- 3. Drug or Alcohol Dependence.
- 4. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
- 5. ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)
- 6. Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction.
- 7. Enforced isolation creating resentment.
- 8. Strong need for a relationship to validate them.
- 9. Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.
- 10. Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.
- 11. Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways.
- 12. Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety.
- 13. Belief that “it will change if I just try harder.”
- 14. Repeated attempts to leave the relationship.
- 15. Inability to follow through with leaving – return to the abuser again and again.
- 16. Clinical depression, self – medication.
- 17. Suicidal ideation or attempts.
The Abusive Personality:
Traits which are common in the abusive personality are:
- 1. Uncontrolled temper.
- 2. Extreme Jealousy. (See Love Addiction.)
- 3. Intense fear of abandonment.
- 4. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment, ACOA issues.
- 5. Unrealistic expectations of a relationship. (To “fix” them or solve their problems.)
- 6. Isolation and antisocial temperament.
- 7. Recklessness. (dangerous sexual behavior, reckless driving, drug use etc.)
- 8. Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior and actions, even in the face of dire consequences.
- 9. Cruelty to children / animals.
- 10. Threats of violence.
- 11. Low self-esteem, shame.
- 12. Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction.
- 13. Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, a compulsion to violate boundaries.
- 14. Drug or Alcohol Dependence, self medication.
- 15. Emotional volitility – fear of being “out of control”.
- 16. Need for power and control to compensate for the above.
- 17. Bipolar disorder and / or Borderline Personality Disorder.
- 18. Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.
It should be noted that abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves.
Many of the characteristics above are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
Abusiveness is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice – then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle. In this sense abusers and addicts are not to blame for their behavior, but they are responsible for it. Accountability is a concept addicts, codependents and abusers have trouble grasping until they are well into recovery.
It can change – BREAK THE CYCLE NOW!
* Abusive relationships are marked by attempts by the abuser to isolate their partner from social interaction. This is due to jealousy and to an unconscious awareness that outsiders will see the relationship dynamics and attempt to intervene. (Any signs of independence in their partner triggers deep seated abandonment fears and jealousy.) The enforced isolation of abusive relationships also creates an ideal climate for the progression of addictions in one or both partners. (Isolation is a common characteristic of addict / alcoholics.)
CL Wacholtz
Transition Counseling Services 
i live with a recoverying drug addit,he is emotionally and mentally and physically abusive to me and the biggest problem is that i have a son to a previous relationshi.
I lived with an abusive partner for 20 years. I think Sam’s biggest problem isn’t her son from a previous marriage. It’s the fact that she has “settled” for this kind of life for him.
I just managed to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and am amazed at how long it took me to realize that that’s what it was.
Now I struggle with resentment and an intense need to make him feel my pain. I know that if I don’t check this, I’ll walk into another abusive cycle, but this time with me being the abuser. (!)
I’m not sure how to handle my pain.
Dealing with your pain is a process. First, you recognize it, then, you begin to work on what you will do with this knowledge. We all have choices that will become very important in how the path of our life turns and twists. You have chosen to put your struggle out so that others may become educated from it and so that you might get some input that will help you in your present state of mind.
What I have learned is that advice given free is almost never taken. Nonetheless, I will offer this: Seek counseling from someone who KNOWS how you feel and what you have been through. Listen to them and decide what you are willing/able to work on in small increments. Stop thinking about your abuser and concentrate on yourself and why you allowed this to happen.
Did you observe this sense of entitlement over others growing up? Was it what you were taught as a child? So much of what we live as adults is directly related to experiences as a child.
How do you feel about accepting what you have learned as the basis to becoming a whole, responsible, loving person?
Also, and not as an afterthought, you need to look at the spiritual part of your life that will allow you to build on who you are and what you are learning.
By the way, Who Are You? I mean, how would you describe yourself from the inside out? Start with that and be very honest. A journal or a diary may seem uncomfortable at first, but it is very valuable to be able to put into words what you are thinking and feeling and most valuable to look back at, in the months to come, to see the progress or lack of it that you have made.
So, there you are in a nutshell, my best advice gathered over years of working with people in pain. Take it for what it’s worth. And, good luck.
mmmm, I think you may be right in what you have said here. Whoever there will be many people will disagree with your opinion
My best friend keeps calling me (over the course of 1 1/2 years) about her relationship with her fiancee. She fits 95% of the personality characteristics above, and her fiancee fits the abuser.
It seems to be more emotionally abusive. No hint of physical.
But as her best friend, what can I do? She dismisses everything I try to tell her about the relationship, and claims I’m doing this out of enjoyment. She changes the stories that she tells me when she’s in tears, and she also blames herself.
You are a good friend. It is so difficult to watch someone you care about be part of a relationship that appears negative for them. Oddly, I just received an email from one of my best friends last night who laid out the meeting she went to, described the people and their actions and went from blaming them to blaming herself for her reactions. Now, I have known her for years and she is an intelligent educated lady who spends her waking hours helping others. This was her question to me:
“Am I too touchy? Am I too forward? Everyone just looks the other way. It’s hot and steamy…I can’t stand it!!! I’m going out of my mind. Is it the heat or am I being the ‘Dragon Lady’ again? Okay. Can you give me some Words of Wisdom?”
Because I know and trust her instincts, my answer was “Yes. Have a lovely weekend.”
It made her smile and relax.
I think what I’m saying is, after a longtime friendship and your friend coming to you as a sounding board, maybe that’s all she wants. Someone who loves her and will listen. And, maybe all you have to give her at that moment is the gift of listening. No advice. No emotional involvement in the listening. That is something you will have to work on, ’cause it sure isn’t easy.
On the other hand, you may not be able to do this! There may come a time that you tell her it hurts you too much to listen. That she should seek help from a professional and you will support her in this decision. That you will talk to her about anything else, but not her relationship with him.
I suggest that you continue to educate yourself on relationship issues so that you might begin to understand what is in her past and personality that allows her to be treated badly and stay in the relationship. What you can do as an important person in her life, is understand her more and maybe a time will come that she will ask for your opinion and listen to you.
Good luck. It’s a daunting task.
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You certainly have some agreeable opinions and views. Your blog provides a fresh look at the subject.
Really, it comes down to what I’ve learned from clients, patients and inmates over the years. And, then it’s always possible there is a new point of view that I haven’t heard before.
I love to debate just for the joy of it, but some subjects I am very passionate about and abusive relationships is one. I worked first with women who were in bad relationships and now with sex offenders. I have had to learn to stand back and work with each population in a way that was positive for their change. Difficult sometimes.
Thanks for the comment.
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You may have not intended to do so, but I think you have managed to express the state of mind that a lot of people are in. The sense of wanting to help, but not knowing how or where, is something a lot of us are going through.
So very true. I often think that maybe I have a jaded view of the world and personal problems because the “clients” I see come only when they have problems. But, I guess there are a lot of us that have some difficulty with just everyday issues that can seem overwhelming at times. Often, just reading something or hearing a great song will bring back a perspective that makes life bearable. After my husband died, it took me 2 1/2 years to be able to listen to music again or remember something that went into short term memory and fell right out again. Each person deals differently with issues and since I can’t see each one in my office, this blog seemed to be a way to reach out. No cost.
They say a person really doesn’t take advice given and especially if they don’t have to pay for it. I think I disagree. Take it or not, but if it made sense to me at some point, I am here to share.
Ask more questions and investigate your issues further. I see the internet as the greatest library in the world and I always wanted to be a librarian.
Thanks for your input
Nice post, thank you. Could you tell us about the second paragraph more?
I looked at the article again. I hope this is the paragraph you mean:
“Abusiveness is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice – then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle. In this sense abusers and addicts are not to blame for their behavior, but they are responsible for it. Accountability is a concept addicts, codependents and abusers have trouble grasping until they are well into recovery. ”
Coming from a different view, I will talk a little about the same issue as it applies where I work now – in the largest sex offender program in the US. I have learned from thousands of interviews with inmates as they come into the treatment program and as they continue for up to two years to completion is that, again, “it depends”.
Yes, we are speaking of adults, and, yes, we are responsible for making our own choices, but we make those choices based on the foundation that is laid by our “family of origin”; our community of friends and our experiences which evolve over time. The first time our treatment team meets with an inmate – he may have been there two weeks or two months, depending on how the computer brings him up – we have reviewed his chart which includes past criminal and mental health issues. We know most of the answers to the questions before we ask. So, our team of experts sets out to get a picture of how the inmate views himself and his past with a series of questions that evolve depending on how the inmate reacts.
To begin with, the inmate can refuse the program and some have. Occasionally, we have actually come across a man who denies his crime to the point that he is willing to serve more years because he declares his innocence and will not/cannot work a program that sees denial as a mental health issue to be overcome. Also, occasionally, we have met a man that we believe may truly be innocent and wish him luck. He has been convicted and either accepts that this is his fate or has a lawyer working on his case. Very, very rare.
The other 99.5% are sent to us based on the crimes they have been legally committed for. They come in with clearly stated convictions which range from “I am totally innocent of these crimes” to “I have been waiting 20 years to be able to talk about what I did and why”. There is really no such thing as ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to these men. They all come from different places mentally and physically. With many very different crimes.
Near the end of the first meeting with the treatment team, I always ask, “Why did you do your crime?” and then tell them that I don’t want them to answer right then, but I want them to consider their life from the time they can first remember to the time they committed their crime and look at whether their upbringing played any part in their decision to do this act. I ask them to think about what life was like for them when they were 17, 13, 11, 9, 7, 5, 3 years old and any important that might have happened to them over this timeline. Some are still denying, but agree to wait for the three months until we see them again and see what they learn in treatment and whether it has changed their mind. Often, they feel complelled to tell about historic instances that have happened to them and often, they are brought to tears remembering how it felt to be them at that time. We keep a roll of generic toilet paper on my desk for these occasions. NYS DOCS does not believe in Kleenex.
So, now they have a starting point. They begin to look at how their upbringing was the inescapable first layer of their life. Then, they have to look at what led them to the actual crime(s) and why they made the decision they did at that time. Two years is the most that an inmate can stay in the program. The decision of how he is doing and what he has learned and accepted is decided by the whole team, but comes based on his participation in groups and in the ‘dorms’. Our inmates live in a dorm-like setting with no cell, no bars inside. Two years is often just a good start for many. They all need and are referred to outpatient treatment after they are released. This is a lifelong process for most.
How does this have anything to do with your original question?
We ALL are the product of how we were brought up, what we experience outside our family and our basic, in-born personality. There have been studies on babies as they grow, and it is proposed that we are all born either calm or stressed or reactive to the world. If you have known more than one baby in your life, you will know this is true. Then, add ingredients of disaster such as neglect and/or abuse; or ingredients for success such as loving, nurturing attention. Life is really a crap shoot to a great extent. It is what you do with this “Luck” as you grow and change. That is the point. There are many examples of very dysfunctional families in this world and many examples of healthy ones. Within each category there is the dice roll that has to do with mental issues that very difficult to overcome. That makes it harder, but becoming a mentally healthy person is possible.
So it is true of persons with addictions. Choices are made; change is inevitable. It often takes others to recognize and help us see clearly where we are at and where we want to go.
So, I hope this was the paragraph you were alluding to. If not, let me know and we’ll go from there.
Thanks so much for your interest.
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This is really important information. I can see these traits in an abusive relationship I was in and although it seems so clear now, unfortunately it was difficult for me to see when I was in the relationship.
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I have been in a abusive relationship for nearly three years. I find it hard to walk away now. Most of the time I hate my boyfriend for what he does to me. Its when he is nice I think he may be changing as he seems to be getting better. But he always gets worse. Something stupid sets him off. I always rehearse what I say to him as he gets mad at the slightest thing. He didn’t like my accent. If I don’t hug him a certain way. A kiss has to have a certain sound. I can’t see my friends is jelous of my family. There is so much I could write from beggining. If any one wants my full story feel free to ask. There see si many abusive relationships and it isn’t easy to leave. I now feel worthless and some days I hate myself that much I want to die. But hopefully I am understanding more what he is doing now and wont let him control me.
I would be interested in what you feel you got from the article. Also, what others think about your situation. Let me know how this goes….
[…] stars abusive characters and even abusive societies. so i’m studying abusive relationships, abusive traits, authoritarians, narcissists, histrionic personality disorder. all of which are pretty maddening […]
I went to your site. You are amazing and brave and honest. I do not know you, but am extremely proud of you, one strong woman to another. Thank you for putting your experiences out there for others to draw strength from.
I have come to the conclusion that my wife of 19 months with a son is abusive. My story is a long one. when we were dating I saw the signs and tried many times to walk away but later married her. while we were preparing for the wedding, the abuses came to a climax and I wanted to call it off.
Now she is not a happy person, easily get angry and threaten’s me of leaving our marriage. we maintain two homes as I work in a construction location and she schools in another state.
Recently, she refuses to pick my calls because a day earlier I told her to play boys play and not girls play with my baby boy.
this is getting out of hand.
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I have a tough issue, i have a friend that ive nown years and hes bin threw the mill, his ex left with his son two year afo and has just had his rites taken by socail to his now 1yr old after babys mum dumpd im in care, hes a caution sex offender also [ not regarding children] and this complicates it, october he startd talking to a girl online and within 2wks she moved in from the other side of the country, he is a very broken guy suffing all sorts of mental illness and she has taken advantage of him, shes isolated jim now got herself pregnant by pretending to have pcos and has a 10year life plan including marrige and more kids, shes extremely controlling changed the tennanct the banks so that everything he now own is hers. But he cant see it as hes to hard trying to hav the life he used to with his ex, this girl even faked being ill on xmas day to stop him playing a card game and went crazy cuz we gave him a drink!! She constanly bullies him and plays mind games even around us bt is now not letting him see us as she tells him we are bringing him down when we are his onli friends left, what do i do before she desteoys him
My husband left shortly before our 16th anniversary. I am still trying to figure out when and how it went so wrong. The lying that ended in a mess I am still trying to clean up and take care. Figuring out that perhaps he didn’t really love me but I was there. Right now I feel rage and hurt by all of it. Reading that I couldn’t fix it or help him was eye opening. I wish I had read it sixteen years ago. Now I need to move on and heal for myself. I am still trying to understand how it could have happened so slowly that I didn’t see it. I am just glad he is now out of my life.
There are times when people pass through your life that have answers to your questions. Answers that allow you to close that door and let it go. You have given me a gift of insight by sharing what you have experienced. I am sure there are others that will benefit from what you have shared. Thank you for your wisdom……
It was very informative for me. The abusive boyfriend i have, is going to have a good reality check. No more abuse, thank you.
I have no idea how to identify my partner or relationship
He is an incredibly kind and helpful man to everyone
And he does seem to love me . He even put himself in debt just to get me something i wanted, even though i begged him not to
He is not possessive or jealous
He is loyal to me
He’s a little financially controlling but with his money not mine .
And he just respects his former partners very much, and is very loyal to his friends
At the same time, at some point he was excessively critical, sometimes manipulative
Sometimes he admits to being wrong others he shifts blame
He Has anger outbursts, and often swears and sometimes uses very insulting words
Which he claims to use with all his other friends including female, and that they were fine with it. That they Even reciprocated it . Thats just the way they talk, he says
Sometimes he apologizes and is really sincere about his regret that he hurt me
Other times totally apathetic, and that im being oversensitive
I should btw point out that i am sometimes oversensitive to criticism, as ive been clinically Depressed long before i met him
But i can still distinguish right from wrong
I just need some sort of insight, anything
As he and the situation itself are very complicated
And I do love all of his good traits
Please help
I would first suggest that, if you have not already, that you seek counseling for your depression. Find a female counselor and be very honest with her. You appear to have good insight into your relationship which, by the way, you do not label very clearly as you do not say you love your ‘partner’. You have many questions and that is wonderfully healthy. Therapy is something you need to do for you; he is not invited unless somewhere down the road you have sorted out your reservations. The unwritten rules you have set for your relationship need to have limits that are understood by both of you….. you ‘can still distinguish right from wrong’ and the time to clarify what you want for yourself is now. Trust your instincts!