Borderline Personality Disorder
What is BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a form of mental illness that is often found in survivors of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Some abused parties develop BPD and some do not for reasons that are unclear. BPD seems to run in families, but it is not yet known if this is due to genetic or environmental factors. Â BPD is very common but frequently undiagnosed or misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder.
DSM Definition of BPDÂ (My notes are bracketed by parenthesis.)
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)   Â
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD – there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called “splitting.”Â
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to “who am I” and “what is my role in the world”. Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the “black and white” nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author’s Note
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of “living dangerously”; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation. Â
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally – mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly “out of nowhere”. This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD’s low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.) Â
8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD’s see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)Â Â Â Â
Though BPD affects nearly as many people as schizophrenia and bipolar COMBINED; it is greatly misunderstood by lay people and therapists alike. Few mental health professionals receive enough preparation in school to be effective in treating patients with this disorder. Few clinicians are aware of non-BP issues. (The issues of the Person with BPD’s partner.)Â People who work in the legal system and other institutions desperately need to be better educated about BPD.
People with BPD often “mask” well – meaning that they present a “I have it all together” face to the world, at work and to their therapists. People with BPD are often very charming, funny and engaging when they are not suicidal or raging. They work hard at covering their tracks; generally only those who are very close to them are aware of the emotional roller coaster going on inside. People with BPD frequently project their issues onto others. (“I don’t have a problem – YOU have a problem.”)  As a result, people with BPD often live lives of misery, remaining undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. (and therefore improperly treated.)  Borderline personality disorder is very painful for both the person with BP and the people in their life.Â
Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with conventional therapy, geared toward impulse control, anger management and behavior modification, and also responds well to proper medication. (The misdiagnoses of BPD as Bipolar Disorder is very common – and generally leads to improper medication.)
Sadly – the overwhelming internal chaos, fear and shame often result in People with BPD refusing treatment. Treatment for BPD is a long term process, but can lead to a much better quality of life for the Person with BPD and their partners and families.Â
“The features associated with a good outcome were likableness, orderliness, high intelligence, and musical or artistic talent.
Poor outcome was associated with antisocial tendencies, chronic irascibility, extreme shyness, chaotic impulsiveness, and refusal of treatment for drug or alcohol abuse.”
– By Michael H. Stone “The Fate of Borderline Patients”
The Harvard Mental Health Letter, March 1992
BPD seems to be highly triggered by entering a relationship, possibly because a greater feeling of safety allows them to let down their guard and drop the mask with their partners. (Note that I say “greater feeling of safety” – People with BP tend to be hypervigilant and NEVER feel safe, remaining on guard at all times.) Relationships bring intimacy issues and fears bubbling to the surface in all people, this seems to trigger the BPD symptoms and acting out. People with BPD are often highly abusive in relationships, yet do not see or fail to recognize / take responsibility for their behavior. (The person with BPD’s behavior is a defense mechanism against overwhelming internal pain and chaos; it therefore seems normal and justified to them.) Â
People with BPD tend to have a repetitive series of short, intense, drama driven relationships. They typically worship and adore their partner in the beginning, then shift to seeing the partner as the source of their problems and the “root of all evil”. They frequently fail to see their role in the cycle, and often project their issues onto the partner. People with BPD often have relationships which collapse in rage, bitterness and chaos once the devaluation part of the splitting cycle kicks in.
BPD generally coexists with other illnesses. These are the most common.Â
- Post traumatic stress disorder
- Mood disorders (Bipolar Disorder, Unipolar Depression, other Affective Disorders.) Â
- Panic/anxiety disorders
- Substance abuse (54% of people with BPD also have a problem with substance abuse)
- Gender identity disorder
- Attention deficit disorder
- Eating disorders
- Multiple personality disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder.Â
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Statistics about BPD
2% of the general population
10% of all mental health outpatients
20% of psychiatric inpatients
75% of those diagnosed are women (Note that this does not mean 75 % of people with BPD are women!)
75% have been physically or sexually abused
More about BPD – by Richard Corelli, MD.
*Author’s Note – I theorize that Religious and Political Fundamentalism are cultural manifestations of BPD, in effect a collective mental illness. Â Â These political and religious movements are characterized by many of the definitive symptoms of BPD, but manifested at a group level. (Rigidity, intense need for control, black and white world view, splitting into all good and all bad, demonization of perceived enemies, and the punitive nature of these political / religious movements all strike me as being highly characteristic of the symptoms of BPD.) [Back to DSM]
CL Wacholtz
Transition Counseling Services 
just curious how much you cost?
Good Evening!
Just curious….what are you looking for the cost of?
Thanks for the interest.
This was the best discription of BpD I have ever read.
I am the husband of a bpd wife. Life is hell! I love her but I’m sure she thinks I’m the devil, the nicer I am the madder she gets. She is not happy untill she engages me in a fight. Walking away from an argument is the time there is a garsnteed tantrum. The only way she feels she can disengage is only if she gets a big outburst from me and I lose a hard fought cool.
Then she settles into the victimhood ooze content to be miserable.
She did dbt 6 months she thought she graduated and is done.
How do I get her back there?I feel like I’m trying to trap and tag a wild animal.
She is packing to leave. I know she is not leaving, she threatens it daily, she has no money or resouces.
Ask nicely?
Make the appointment and allow her to go on her ownafter the first visit? How I did it the first time.
Is ultimatums a bad idea? Or aleast have rewards for going?
let me know.
Why are you still with her? The constant unknowing as to whether she is up or down; loving or attacking is addictive. You will not change her, she will change you. The only and best advice I would have from here is, get help for yourself. Learn about what co-dependents of drug addicts learn. How to love with detachment.
In general, if she continues to get help and you do too, in 10-15 years, you may both have learned why you are staying together. This may not be what you wanted to hear, but you have chosen to stay with someone afflicted with the most difficult personality issues just short of schizophrenia. Good Luck.
Proud of u for sticking by ur wife.Shes not a person who’s bad,shes just not well.In her condition,to her everything in her life probably seems like its against her.be there for her.In sickness and in health right??
Don’t think I don’t know how bad life gets.I do.I’m in your boat.Important thing is…we’re the stronger parties here,and they are after all,the people we love.dont ditch a person just cz life gets tough.think about it.
Cindylellis,
the way you respond to it, makes it sound that a person with BPD is not deserving of a relationship, or that it is impossible for he or she be in one. Wouldn’t there be a chance of a therapy for the couple, so they can heal together?
Thank you
We are not discussing ‘deserving’ nor ‘impossible’.
Ray described his relationship from his point of view. It may be possible for them to work this out as a couple but each individual needs to work on themselves separate from the couple. I always suggest counseling but couples counseling seldom works if both people are not commited to the relationship and the results.
BPD, if correctly diagnosed, is a very difficult way to live a life and nearly as difficult to live with. A simple statement of fact.
Read the comment submitted on 10/08/09 again. The first question was not a negative comment; it was a direct question that, if answered, would assist Ray in determining how he wants to live his life. If he can learn to live with detachment, he might choose to stay in the relationship. Which ever way he decides to go, he needs to be thinking about how he wants to live his life. Some really don’t have the strength to commit to such a difficult life as he described that has no quarantees of ever being resolved.
Is there a personal reason you ask this question?
Thank you for the comment.
Wow…. I really enjoyed reading this article……… I m very impressed with your work. One thing I can say is that this blog is one of the best I’ve read till date…….. Keep up the good workk.
All I want to say is thank you. I never knew why i always felt so alone, and why i always flip-flopped back and forth between stable and either depressed, angry, motivated, or focused/calm. i read this article, and it answered so many questions that ive had for years, ut could never find the answer to. I now know why, and for that, i thank you so much.
I have a suggestion. When you are ready, find a counselor, priest or other professional and start looking back at your past. If you get to a point when you can remember NOT feeling this way, think yourself forward in your history. So often there is a turning point in a person’s life that began in their childhood/adolesence. Be gentle with yourself as you may open issues that you really haven’t looked at before. Just a thought.
Thank you for the suggestion, I’ve done just that. though I can’t remember much from before the turning point, so it’s hard for me to be sure if the turning point i think it is really was it. Any suggestions for not remembering enouh before a certain point to be sure how I felt?
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Thank you for this. I’m sure that others of you know exactly what I am talking about when I say that often reading about bpd is like having someone tell your life back to you better than you yourself could have told it. I wonder why professionals are so reluctant to diagnose this? I started going to see a therapist at my university about 3 months ago, largely because of emotional ups and downs as well as trying to figure out what I called “how to ‘be’.” So often, when I come in the presence of another human, especially an “authority” figure, I don’t know how to act. I panic. I can’t speak. I don’t know who to be. This unstable sense of self leads to confusion– about what is real and true. I think that this is part of the reason that I have so much trouble with religious faith, which is what I study. I always feel misunderstood by others– like I am speaking words but nothing is being said. This drives to isolation and alienation.
Finally, can any of you relate to this feeling. I think it is the worst, at times nearly unbearable. I would describe it as a mixture of deep emptiness, restless anxiety, bordeom, fear, and nearly intolerable loneliness– which is beyond words to express and which nothing can take away. I think this is what drives me to act so impusively and to search frantically for truth, the latter of which I am not sure is a bad thing.
The hardest thing is that no one will give me this label. I am good at wearing masks (even around my therapist, when I was still in sessions) and I usually function well in my academic/ other pursuits, as I always go into it in a nearly obsessive way, with all that I am. But the pain and emptiness fester inside. Sometimes I feel like I am on the edge of death, but only I know this– to everyone else, I am absolutely fine. This increases the loneliness.
One more thing. In my theological and philsophical readings, I sometimes come across writers that I suspect might also suffer from something like bpd. I am not trying to diagnose them, but rather am just noticing a pattern. When I go back and read the writers that I connected to most before I ever even heard of bpd– Henri Nouwen, Thomas Merton, Augustine, and even philosophers like Sartre and Heidegger– I now think that I got such an arousal from their writings because they wrote so intimately abou themes that touch me to the core: loneliness, desparation, angst, anxiety, finding self. Many people who in no way would have bpd, would say that these writers have a unique insight into the human condition. I wonder if bpd (or other such “disorders”) is always totally a disorder. Maybe sometimes people with this, being more sensitive than others, can see more deeply into the human condition, and indeed into reality.
But there is still the terrible pain, relationship problems, emptiness, destruction and so much more.
Thoughts?
The first step toward helping yourself is recognizing who you are, what your life is really like and where you want to go. BPD is a difficult diagnosis as many of the signs and symptoms can be situational in a complex life, not a chronic disorder. Sorting it all out takes time and persistence. Often a counselor can be of great assistance, but, also often, people with BPD find it difficult to listen to others and take advice.
Continue to work on who you want to be.
Yea, thats the way i feel aswell, its hard to make friends cause it feels like u cant explain y ur feeling bad. it feels like they should just know, but they dont, and u/i cant find the words to explain it, so it increases the loneliness. I tried telling my therapist that this is wat i had, and his response was to tell me that in school, wen he was learning about most of the psychological disorders, by the end, ur sure u have them all. he thought i was bull sh!ting, and i couldnt explain it to him. So your not the only one who always feels so empty and cold inside, there are others. Whenever it gets really bad, just try and remember that, it could make the world of difference..
i also dont think its proper to have this illness among personality disorders. My experience tells me it is created by external people… emotional abductors and not by internal mechanisms of thought or disability.
but we let the learned people do what they think is best.
PLEASE HELP ME IM HAATING ME
DAY 1
Take a warm shower or bath.
Cry.
Put on comfort clothes – I use an old, beat up black sweater and sweats.
Watch a movie that makes you cry;
Watch a movie that uplifts your heart.
Listen to Lynard Skynard: Sweet Home Alabama…..dance…..even if you look silly.
Call a good friend who has the time to listen.
Write down the whole experience to look back on later.
Take a walk somewhere that pleases you.
Drink your favorite warm beverage; eat a scrambled egg with hot sauce.
Smile at yourself in the mirror and think of a past, pleasant time.
DAY 2
Call and talk to a minister, priest or counselor – these can all be free services if you look; if you ask.
Try another counselor if the first one does not feel like a good fit.
Keep writing about how you feel and behave and think – very important.
DAY 3 and THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Find a reason to be grateful for being alive.
Do a good deed or kindness for someone else.
Find a job – paid or unpaid – that interests you.
Find a reason to be grateful for being alive.
Do a good deed or kindness for someone else.
Get a hobby or two that pleases you – I crochet or paint when stressed.
Continue to talk to a trusted person; go to a good physician to be sure this is not physical – listen to the advice given.
Find a reason to be grateful for being alive.
Personally: One of my most favorite people died yesterday and I have to go to the wake……..
I know I am grateful to be alive and I will help his family in any way I can……
Great article ~ all true. I completely agree, being borderline, that they could look ‘normal and together’ in front of the world. I have already fooled one therapist, putting all of the blame on my wife, which wasn’t the case obviously… I’m at a moment of clarity right now to admit my faults, but I need to get help before I turn again. I’m afraid that may be soon.
Staying borderline is easier by far than changing. At least you are looking at possibilities and bits of insight. Too bad it is so empowering for you to lie to your counselor. What do you want from this life of yours and why do you feel comfortable hurting someone you “love”, your wife.
Interesting , how would I apply this?
Well, I don’t know if that’s going to work for me, but definitely worked for you! 🙂 Excellent post!
How can i convince my new therapist that this is wat i have, and that this is wat i need hepl with? btw, pills dont work for me, so wat other things can i do to try and fix this myelf if the therapist again disbelieves me?
What the heck is that plugin on your navbar termed?
What the heck is ‘a plugin on a navbar’? As you may notice, counseling is my bag, not so much computer knowledge, sorry.
1st time reading your post, it’s pretty good, you show good ideas, I will come back.
Am i able to repost this on my personal site? I’m going to set you a inbound link. Let me know, thank you!
Do it! and, thanks.
Carry on the great work guys!
Took me time to read all the comments, but I really enjoyed the article. It proved to be Very helpful to me and I am sure to all the commenters here! It’s always nice when you can not only be informed, but also entertained!
I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)……
I’m a blog enthusiast and with so many blogs on the internet now, not very many stand out. Your blog caught my attention and I thought that I would post to let you know that.
Very encouraging! Thank you.
Your blog provides a fresh look at the subject. Great job mate!
Working on more info as we speak…..
I really enjoyed reading this post. Great step by step description!
There is obviously a lot for me to discover outside of my books. Thanks for the great read 🙂
You certainly deserve a round of applause for your post and more specifically, your blog in general. Very high quality material!
Lots of spammy comments here, sorry to see such nice blog being flooded by garbage.
I’m admiring the webmaster, nice job on the design. Looks like your site can handle heavy traffic.
Let us all express our opinions here. Do you think random babbles like this should be allowed to hang in threads or should they be erased? Share your opinions.
Do you really have experience in this field? If so, I would like to ask you a few questions.
It’s not a good idea to make me upset, and when my comments get removed I get really sad.
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened…
yes….
….some comments are perfect illustrations of the topic they address.
Great subject for creating this post. It was interesting reading.
Hi there, I just needed to state how interesting I find this blog!
I’ve been visiting your blog for a while now and I always find a gem in your new posts. Thanks for sharing.
Interesting article. Were did you got all the information from?
Thanks to all!
I have been collecting and editing information for so long that sometimes I don’t have a base source. I am in the process of gathering more for the blogs and will give sources when I have them.
Great read. I also think it could be a bit longer 😉
I’ll put it on my list. It is a subject that many find interesting.
I’ve been visiting your blog for a while now and I always find a gem in your new posts. Thanks for sharing.
….and, thank you for the encouragement.
I lost this website and luckily I found it again. presently I am at my university I saved the url so I can read it when I get a chance thank you
……and, thank you for the encouragement.
Did you know that a lot of my German friends from school are using your blog to improve their english skills? I am doing the same hehe So thanks for the good article! Lets hope I will pass my exams! The only critique I have is that I had quite some hard time finding your RSS Feed for subscribing!
I did not know that but am thoroughly delighted! Thanks for the info.
As for my RSS Feed – I am fairly illiterate when it comes to that end of blogging; I remain clueless. Sorry.
I wasn’t aware of the many ripples and depth to this story until I surfed here through Bing! Fantastic job. Regards, Talia.
…..and, my regards to you!
Thanks for this read mate. Well, this is my first visit to your blog! But I admire the precious time and effort you put into it, especially into interesting articles you share here!
Thanks to you, mate!! (I like that).
I love this blog layout ! How do you make it. It is really good.
WordPress.com has the layout and the directions to accomplish lovely sites – free!
WordPress.com has the layouts and directions to create the sites – free!
Do you have any experience with developmentally disabled adults with BPD?
One of the articles on this blog is ‘Challenging Behavior of Persons with Mental Health Disorders and Severe Developmental Disabilities’. It is long and complex and was a very big help for me when I worked with MR/DD folks. I worked in state homes where all of the clients were long term and already diagnosed. There were a lot of depressive symptoms which were expressed in many ways, depending on the severity of their developmental disability. Some were rapid cycling in their manic to depressive symptoms. The work I did was more assessing based on a current issue and treatment planning from there.
What I found was, I interviewed staff who knew the person well; examined what was going on in their lives; had there been a change in meds; could they communicate their needs to anyone (most could not which made it strictly behavioral); and tried to put it together and work out a plan with staff that they might adopt. In this case, the staff that knew them and worked with them daily were the key.
Why?
Thanks for the wonderful info. Look forward to reading more on this subject.
I will be really thankful on the author on this post for making this lovely and informative article live for us. We really appreciate ur effort. Keep up the good work. . . .
This was my first time visiting and I really enjoyed the read. I am curious though that in your description of BPD, there was not a great deal of emphasis on the pervasive tendency for people with BPD to struggle mostly with rejection fro others. That is usually the determing factor between BPD and BiPD. That intense need for belonging and being rejected by others usually sends people with BPD into a real tailspin. Do you mind talking about that a little more? Again I truly enjoyed your work Fantastic!
Awesome blog! I have bpd, but lately when I feel negatively toward someone, I think before I act, and the negative emotions often go away within seconds so its a big improvement:) I still have trouble being organized with my time when I’m alone. I tend to daydream too much when alone. I am sooo happy today bc I watched a comedienne girl the other day, and she inspired me. Prior to this, I sought attention from others with my beauty and dressing like a stripper, lol but now, people tell me how funny, talented and awesome I am! I finally feel appreciated as a person! I had so much fun tonight, I had a group of like 20 people laughing their butts off, and I gained a few friends. They are guy friends, so I told them to be respectful so I won’t feel mistrustful and flip out:( I discovered a talent in me I had no idea existed. That’s what’s awesome about recovering, its like discovering a hidden treasure, you find that your parents were wrong, you’re not ugly, unlikable or stupid. Its nice to see that talent, likableness and intelligence are good markers of potential progress. its so true about fundamental religion. I used to be jesus freak fundamentalist christian, and I did use the black and white aspects as I wished, and it was making me worse. I’m not that judgmental now. I haven’t been to therapy, but one year of self reflection does wonders. I think therapy will be awesome:) sorry for rambling goodnight everyone:):)
Congratulations! I am so pleased for you! You have taken a HUGE step toward the rest of your life. I would love to hear about your continuing progress……
Just to thank you. This is a hugely helpful and concise explanation of ‘real life’ BPD. I have to fight for my children’s right to grow up as healthy as possible and rescue them from the clutches of a Lawson ‘Witch’. Off the scale abuse, threats, family bullying, mixed in with the toddler ‘love’ and promises. All the same, it’s sibling incest, HPD mummy and chronic alcoholic child abandoning (dead) great grand mummy, which result in X and BPD. You’d think that a UK GP would want to help X, not fight me. Work like yours helps. 17 years on treatment resistant (Paxil and CBT) anxiety and panic. How much more do they need? It picks me up to read sensible and not BPD hating ‘Paypal’ therapist ranting which gets no one anywhere. Took me a full year to recover. And God does she hate me. Full and pitiless distortion campaign, police, everything I own stolen, no children. So it does matter. It’s like trying to bring empiricism to a peasant village here. Thank you. Seriously. I believe that people can face their fear and work for change. I also believe that no one has the right to copy their disorders into children and to expect anything but all the resistance and argument I can lay my hands on. Only expect a life made up of this.
Then I can relax and do something else.
Living with and attempting to love a person with BPD is one of life’s greatest challenges. When there are children involved, the pressure is enormous. Sometimes your only recourse is to be a stable influence for them and hope they come out the other side as healthy adults. The most important thing you can do after protecting the children, as much as possible, is to take care of yourself. Very difficult. The stressors are enormous. But, if you are living this, you know that and are using your stubborn strength to insulate and console yourself.
Please find someone to talk to and vent with – counselor, priest, rabbi, good friend – someone who needs only to listen. Find a physical activity you like; find music or philosophy or spirituality that touches your soul. Only you can truly take care of YOU!
Take care……
Hi, I think this is possibly the most detailed and just “right on the money” article I’ve read about BPD. I saw a psychologist a few years ago about some hard personal issues I was dealing with and she told me she thought I had BPD. I argued that I didn’t self mutilate, she explained that she thought my previous eating disorder was that part of it for me (and that she thought I still sub-consciously had one). She invited me to read up about it and decide for myself and said I would need to be diagnosed properly by a psychiatrist (I never did this). I did some reading and there were things that were familiar to me and things that I didn’t relate to myself in any way. I am a single Mum now and have led a relatively “normal” life since having my daughter and have been quite happy most of the time. I’ve been trying to quit the only vice I have left (smoking) for a few years to no avail. The mood swings are uncontrollable and eventually I cave in because somehow I feel that it helps me control my emotions, when I don’t smoke I find myself reaching for alcohol or driving recklessly. I have refrained from any sexual relationship out of fear that my daughter (only 2) would be dragged in and out of crappy relationships or casual encounters, I told myself that if the right guy came along I would get to know him well and possibly pursue a relationship. Up to this point I’ve felt relatively good about myself (except when trying to quit smoking) but recently I had a sexual encounter with an old friend who worked with me a few years ago. It only happened a few days ago and I’ve only seen him twice and already I can feel the crazy creeping up, I want to talk to him all the time and wonder why he doesn’t always message straight back (even though I know he’s at work), I constantly check my phone, I’ve started driving recklessly with the music blaring again. I Iook for possible things I’m missing in our messages, sometimes I think he’s sweet and lovely and sometimes I think he doesn’t like me and is just messing me around…. I admit there’s no real reason for those feelings. I feel unsafe when I put any part of my personal life in someone else’s hands. The only thing I will say about your article is that personally I have no problems with relationships with my friends, I am a good loyal friend and hate bitching (although I have my reasons). I have many rewarding relationships in that respect so I guess I am one of the lucky ones, all other points in the article apply though :(. I would love some perspective and I would like to get help but I don’t really feel comfortable taking “head meds”. Any thoughts/ suggestions would be greatly appreciated. At this point I’m thinking about stopping the (whatever it is with the guy) because I think it would be easier than waiting until my feelings for him are overwhelming, I already like him and it’s hard enough coping now :(.
I will also note that I’ve found that meditation helps me relax and function at my best, I often feel normal when I do this (if I’m not premenstrual haha or trying to quit smoking). I might try it tonight but I don’t think it will help :l
Bpd just means you have trauma and its affecting your emotions. You feel like you like this guy quickly because you don’t have enough self love and so you want someone to give that to you. Truth is, you need to find that within yourself. If you feel like your sex partner doesn’t love you its because he doesn’t. Sounds like its just a sexual relationship and you should leave it at that. Don’t go looking for love where it does not exist. You can ask him where you stand with him, but keep in mind most men lie, and they need sex like they need water. Society tells us we need to have a relationship with a man to be “moral”. I find dealing with men to closely to be self destructive. I do not date any more, and I work hard to build my self worth. Altho I get a tiny bit lonely at times, I am MUCH more stable than before because I don’t have the triggers anymore. Sure, we have trauma, but men will trigger it with their objectification of you, lack of emotion, etc. Focus on YOU not men, and its ok to use them for sex until you feel like you want a relationship, if ever. Don’t allow the bpd diagnosis to make you blame yourself. You’ve been through a lot and so you are sensitive, but don’t blame yourself when a man is emotionally unresponsive or objectifying you. Good luck.
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Rebecca, you seem to have done an excellent job working through the issues that life has presented you. You didn’t say how old you are, but the fact that you have a young child and are willing to live much of your life to be sure that she receives the love and attention she deserves is very admirable. Making a stable life for the two of you is the most important and rewarding gift you can give her and yourself. As for male companionship, safety first – no pregnancies, no STDs – safety first. There are many wonderful men in the world, but you want to feel whole before you bring someone else who is very important and who will take much time and energy. Plus, continuing to work on yourself will make you more aware of what you really want and need in a solid relationship. It will happen in a positive way when the time is right. Relax with your progress and be very proud of yourself! And, hug that baby girl!
I do not date any more, and I work hard to build my self worth
Not everyone should follow your advice. i am a guy alright but a woman should have a physical if she wants one without pressuring herself for more.
it does not alwasy have to lead to marriage… which is one problem of black/white thinking common in religious foundations… the same thing that made some of us sick to begin with.
Hi labellestronza@boostmobile.blackberry.com,
Thanks for your comments, just thought I’d let you know I haven’t been with a single guy in any way for two and a half years until now. I have worked hard on loving myself and completely get where you are coming from! The meditation really helps in that respect, I do relaxation of body working down from my head section by section and once I’ve reached my feet, visualization of tranquil and passive scenes like lying on the grass with autumn leaves falling around me, or walking along the beach with the sand and water between my toes etc. It’s not for everyone but if it’s something you’d consider trying I know it’s helped me to no end! It kind of feels like it puts all the over whelming feelings and thoughts back where they belong. It takes practice to get to a point where you can reap the best benefits though. I know my sexual partner doesn’t love me yet, but he is not one of those switched off guys we all know too well at the same time. He’s affectionate, he stays the night and initiates cuddling and says things to me that make me feel good about myself. I do like him but like you say I don’t want to be falling hard and fast for him when it’s only been a few days which is what I’m having trouble with, I think it’s much too early to ask where I stand just yet. I know he isn’t just after sex, he has made it clear he’d like to spend time doing other things as well (thank god). I just know it’s much too early and I need help not getting too attached before it’s the right time and at the same time not completely shutting him out. Like you said I might just try and except it for what it is for now and try try try not to let myself get all freaky about it lol 🙂 thanks again for the feedback and good luck in your pursuit of happiness!
Bec
Ok well good luck! I guess since I’m not raising children I’m a lot more experienced with dating. Men can cuddle, be nice, date you, and still not feel anything for you. Its all just part of their fun experience often times. Hopefully he’s one of the few men out there who is a sentient being. I don’t know. What I do now is that if you have bpd and something goes wrong, you could have an episode and become suicidal. If you think there’s a chance of that happening, I’d hold off on dating. Again good luck and keep us posted:)
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Hi CL Ellis
Thanks for your reply, I am 31 years old and I have had some really REALLY hard stuff to deal with throughout my life before I reached the point I am at in my life now. I have been the instigator in violent relationships, I have two older children that can’t stand the sight of me because of my ex an I’s breakup and the endless string of mistakes I made following that. They live with their father and I write each week and send gifts for birthdays etc, but they are unresponsive at this point. I became addicted to smoking marijuana and struggled with that for many years after our breakup (although it’s not addictive apparently). I tried to take my own life at one point and was medicated for post natal depression (very reluctantly) after my second child which obviously helped me not at all. I’ve suffered with anorexia and I’ve also been overweight. I’ve lost my license countless times and been put in police lock up where I threatened police officers and ended up on a good behavior bond and suspended sentence as a result of the offenses. I had $3000 in unpaid fines I had to pay back and all before I ever had any idea that there was anything wrong with the way I think about certain things. I think just being told I had BPD helped me a lot because I was able to realize that yes this was because of me and not everyone else. It outlined a few of the things I had trouble dealing with and allowed me to think “wait a second, am I over-reacting?” instead of jumping the gun.
So yes I have had a really hard life and that’s not even getting into my childhood lol. When I found out I was pregnant and made the decision to keep my youngest daughter it was the last straw with my oldest two. It was also the last time I smoked marijuana. After my brief partner and I broke up (very early in the piece) I decided it was also the last time I had sex (but I did miss it!). I paid off all my fines and regained my license whilst paying maintenance and buying baby gear (on my own) and I continued writing to my kids trying to regain a relationship with them. The first few months I was a complete and utter emotional train wreck and of course the hormones didn’t help at all. My ex partner got another girl pregnant 5 months later and they now have two children together, he see’s our daughter once a year for Christmas!
So as a whole I’m happy, but I can’t afford to drive like an idiot anymore and when I get emotional it comes out under my foot without me even realizing half the time. I value my daughter more I think because I’m not so young now (I was 17 when I had my oldest) and because I know I just couldn’t live without her, she’s my everything 🙂 and she’s also sooo adorable and happy which always helps lol. I don’t want to ruin everything I’ve worked so hard for because of a guy, how can I detach myself from the over whelming feelings without pushing him away? I hate feeling like this! Is there anything you could suggest that might help me in any way. I’m trying so hard!
Hi again labellestronza@boostmobile.blackberry.com,
Yeah I’m 31 I had about 4 years in and out of dating, casual encounters and friends with benefits between my serious relationships and the kids. I know exactly how cold guys can be, he doesn’t seem to be like that. Guys like that don’t really tell you they would like to hang out more other than at night time which he said to me. But I’m still trying not to get to attached. I’m going to have to be really careful though and second guess every dramatic feeling. Most of my friends are really happy and well adjusted people so I think they keep me level headed, I’ll have to make lots of time for them and keep myself distracted, delving into my own interests always did take my mind off the over bearing emotions. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone who actually deals with the same feelings, always nice to have someone who can relate! I hope that one day you can get to know someone well enough to maybe want to try again, I used to be the coldest person ever after sex, I even kicked a guy out of my bed for falling asleep once and told him to go home HAHA (he was one of those douche type guys though). I actually allowed myself to enjoy the experience this time and just see it for what is it, of course that doesn’t mean I’m not going strange inside my head though lol!
Brave ladies!
Hi añd thanks for the article. I am involved with someone I think may be borderline, but I have no idea how to get him to agree to get tested. We have been seeing a couples therapist who he told I was borderline. I subsequently went to get tested and am relatively healthy. I get berated several times a day and hit occasionally. Life here is very paranoid, negative and lacking empathy. He is currently battling throat cancer and starts radiation next week. I am going to have to move out if we cant get diagnosed. We’ve been together for 8 years, living together for 3. I have a minor child from a previous marriage. I am just so sad. I know now that its not going to change. Any thoughts?
Oh, Leslie, I have so many thoughts that I hardly know where to begin!
1. Why are you raising a child in a home where there is domestic violence?
2. Why are you continuing to live with someone who berates and ‘occasionally hits you’?
3. Do you have practical exit plans to leave this relationship?
4. Who do you have as a support system to help you?
5. Do you think that if ‘he gets diagnosed’, this will be of any help to either of you?
6. Does his health have anything to do with why are you staying with him?
7. Would you consider finding a therapist just for yourself so that you can begin to consider these questions?
I have great fear for you and your child. Please consider finding a female therapist that you and your child can connect with for your own mental and physical health and for your child’s safety. He may hit you now, but he may hit your child next and then, you will be at fault. I know you don’t want that. Please seek more help.
What do you think? What do our other bloggers think? Please keep us informed and TAKE CARE!
Hi Leslie,
Regardless of whether he has BPD or not this isn’t a safe environment for you or your child. It’s hard to leave a relationship when you’ve been with someone for a long time, It seems to me you might be looking for people to motivate you to do this. When things get rough like that at home it gets worse not better. You said yourself that you know it’s not going to change, so don’t sit around waiting for someone to rescue you. At the end of the day it’s just going to get worse and someone could get seriously hurt. He obviously already thinks it’s OK to treat you like this so what next? I apologize if this seems a bit harsh, my mother was in violent and controlling relationships and my youngest brother paid the price because she couldn’t let go of her relationships when things got bad. Do what you know you need to do, look inside yourself and find the strength.
I know it’s terrible timing with his cancer, but it sounds like you’ve been battling with this for a while. Whatever is wrong in his mind or body is not your fault and it’s no excuse to treat you the way he is……but you know that. You need to make the right choice here. If I were you I’d start looking for a place to go, start planning what you’re going to do and do it as quickly as possible. I would probably find someone to look after your child for a few weeks because you don’t know how he will react when you go. Reach out to your friends and family because the more support you have the easier it’s going to be.
Good luck
Bec
Only with my own experiences of a BPD partner to reference (and all of my own mistakes); plan ahead, make any sensible changes to buffer you from any response to your leaving, don’t expect ‘reason’ to what follows, just expect extremes, try not to express any threat to the relationship during any of his rages or try discuss his behavior with him (what behavior?) as you’ve already seen that he has no means to change that behavior, no incentive to change because you’re still there (and you won’t be the incentive, that was a false hope I had) and what you’ll get probably whether you stay or leave will be the behavior as it is or in a shifted form which is more abusive and inappropriate (but not to him). If you leave – leave. Seriously.
Don’t leave, go back, leave, go back. You’ll see at best momentary contrition, perhaps some hard to track explanation which blames everything on an abstract (‘the relationship’) and probably even worse behaviors now he knows that you have left, will leave again and could leave for good. Of course I describe my learning and cannot comment on what your partner is like or will do. The tendency seems to be either suddenly you are vital (for the next 5 minutes) or never spoken to again – it will be turmoil of some extreme.
Conversely, being in any relationship you spend more time wanting to leave than be in communicates to him in ways you can’t disguise or withhold behaviorally so more sparks and tension can result. Your own tolerance and coping with extremes has approached gone otherwise you wouldn’t self-comfort with the imagined benefits to you of leaving. I used thinking about leaving as a denial that I was being harmed (and you need to leave to get a perspective on just how much harm is being done to you which has become ‘normal’) and this only caused my partner to become even angrier, more untrustworthy, desperate and symptomatic because nothing is really about ‘you’ and your responses to the chaos just trigger more and worse behaviors they can’t control which you can’t cope with and shouldn’t try to. And I apologize for my use of ‘they’ – it’s just a figurative usage.
Is staying really fair to him? Or, put otherwise, does fair reflect a normal ethics, normal range, typical human concern for someone else and should it if the subject of compassion cannot reciprocate and could grab you by the throat and choke you for expressing mild frustration or a nothing thought? A relationship depends on reciprocation. Domestic abuse is not reciprocation, it is violence and that’s all you need to think about; not how he feels about himself or what his health is (I had cancer, the reciprocation I had was ‘I wish the cancer had killed you!’ so, please, do not expose your mind to his and suppose that right now you are able to see your situation clearly).
What struck me most was after I had left, there was still zero comprehension, remorse, insight or interest in my feelings/needs/decisions (even when the last thing said to me was ‘If you leave, I’ll call the police, change the locks, take everything you own and you’ll never set foot under my roof again’). There was a sudden profession of love when denied, as you might get from a 3 year old wanting another plate of ice cream. And then off we went the other way when no more ice cream was provided. Well, would you like to trust your future to an adult who can break your bones in front of your child and then love you like a toddler but never seem to value you for who you are and what you give to him? That’s a ‘no’ isn’t it? I can only tell you what I would do. I’d do what Bec suggests. There is never a good time. And this became my mistake – there is no actual concern, fondness, understanding or need for you if this does not benefit your partner, that’s the calculus, his and not your own. That was the hardest thing I had to adjust to. Don’t expect anything else but what works for him and him only. Never stay with a person who doesn’t respect you.
Sorry that was so long. Ignore me if I’ve written nonsense. I have that ability!
D
My brother recommended I might like this web site. He was entirely right.
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Thanks!
I am divorcing my 4.5 year roller coaster ride. It’s unbelievable how she could draw me in so close with her “love” then in a blink, turn into the cruelest person I have ever known. She is the king of blame and would apologize but I learned these were shallow and meaningless. We, she, I tried counseling but she would minimize her involvement in every situation…. I’m still puzzled as to why I would fall for this type of person. I wasn’t looking for someone to fix, just someone to share my life with but one kiss turned to two then three then her strange behavior showed up. I tried with all of my being to be fair and respectful but she just always seemed to mask it enough to keep me on the hook. I haven’t seen her for about 30 days and I am experiencing heartbreak/sadness still. I wish I wouldn’t have fallen in love with such a beautiful disaster. The red flags were present but early on and through the course of the relationship I thought I had the ability to help lift her out of whatever it was. In my mind, she came across as normal 95% of the time but man, when the spawn of satin would show up now and then, it was such chaos. I had no idea the level of dysfunction one person could inject into another’s life. WOW! I believe in marriage and its commitments but when the verbal abuse turned into her becoming physical abusive to me I had to draw the line for my own safety and sanity. I know she doesn’t want to be the way she is but she just couldn’t overcome. Such a sad life, my heart breaks for her and others like her.
Your story is classic. I am proud of you for being able to stand back and see it clearly and save yourself. I am sad for her life. Live yours with joy!
I’m still trying to decide if my ex-wife had BPD. I lived with her for over twenty three years and it was a roller-coaster to be sure. She was possessive to the point that i couldn’t speak on the phone with my mother without her wanting to be included in the conversation. If I had an experience away from her she didn’t want to hear the details when I’d try to share because she didn’t participate in the experience. I couldn’t come home late from shopping at a grocery store which was right next to my work place because she’d feel abandoned and would rage at me. If I tried to stand up to her rages and shouted back at her she could become violent. I noticed the abandonment trigger first when reading the article because that was such an issue with her. I could never leave the parking lot of a mall she was shopping in–I had to be waiting for her when she came out. When it got to the point that I started standing up to her more and more she said I had become a monster that was when our relationship issues began–me being a monster–when I was just standing up to her. We had children and to her credit she was never violent with them but they often witnessed hers toward me. I’m a strong, muscular fellow so I just took it. I believed that if I could just love her and that would help heal her of whatever emotional woundedness she had from her past hurts and traumas. I was a fool. I now struggle with guilt for not taking my kids and running to the hills. She was so good at hiding her issues from the world that I was sure I would lose any custody battle and my kids would be stuck with her without my intervening or protective presence. Again, I was a fool. Ironically, we were separated 2 years before the divorce and I had our two younger teenagers living with me. Just reading this article I see that she had 7 of 9 of the symptoms. She didn’t self-mutilate or abuse drugs but now that I think of it, she did fast a lot (in a religious context as a Christian who believed in prayer and fasting). Now I realize that the fasting might have been a manifestation of the BPD. Not sure. But what is paramount is the ‘walking on eggshells’ meme. I always used to say that that was how I felt. And I was always discovering ‘buttons’ or ‘triggers’ even after twenty years that I didn’t know were there.
as you say some of us found ourselves in religious cults and militaristic groupings when we graduated from child abuse (my mother would terrify us with African curses if we disobey her)
For once it seems am clearer on the mental illness that has afflicted me. but i have had psychotic breaks and expressions of mania of bipolar kind so it
never was easy to know why i am so sick. i have had extended periods of dissociation and absence from humanity think as a result of meditations as a super “saved” pentecostal, drives to binge so i am over weight, obsessive compulsions.
And my relationships at best were the short-furious burn outs mostly because not only i was sick but i could not choose a healthy partner.
Even the one that started on last easter friday… now i feel will also be short. i noted the woman was fixated on ideas and a house 99% is not clean enough plus we slept together on the day of our meeting! we met on a dating site ….. how i ended on this article because a certain article was saying a bpd woman will sleep with you on first or second date!
any way i feel so much more healed now since i dumped the religious folks and worked on creating strict boundaries with my sick family – and i think now i can properly tell the name of the illness that i had… which is not madness but a result of invaded boundaries and emotional abuse.
i dare say this illness also seems the most hopeful to heal from but many clinicians/counsellors do not seem to know what the key is. As a recovering person the key seems to lie in dealing ruthlessly with those who attacked our boundaries and threatened us as children. Anyone who relates to us in emotionally uphevoius ways is to be dealt with very strictly- cutting them out of our lives, refusing to pick their calls and fight them back even physically.
as the oundary comes back we again start to heal and acknowledge that some questions have no clear answers and if jesus is the only way to heaven then that is a bad heaven to aspire for.
Needless to say none of my siblings qualify emotionally to relate with me and the mother of my child, who is also sick, has lost her right to call me on phone…. because all her calls were some kind of couched communication to stir up anger and craziness.
The girl we met on friday is quite educated so quite a step up for a guy who has had upheaval and could sleep with anyone to calm down. i was hopeful but cautious. today she started setting me up to buy for her a birthday present tomorrow… we met once… last friday and slept together through the easter holiday! and now gifts! and a jelousy calling me up at 2am yesterday to let any other woman who may be with me to know she is watching.
I am healed! earlier i could not have seen all these signs of craziness.
If it ends i at least will miss the sex and probably go back to the dating sites for another short whirlwind stint…. a life that i will soon stop living. Because i am finally healed.
I think I was raised by a mother with BPD along with my 3 brothers. It was our life, we simply lived it. It didn’t feel good. I was so lonely empty and wished she would die and get out of my head which she overloaded with her shit. over and over and over. She was raised in a Seventh Day Adventist Environment which is a cult like religious organisation with it’s standard black and white. She was sexually violated plus her mother had fragile x. I’m 52 and female, widow with three grown children whom I love dearly. In the last two weeks, I’ve found information about a disorder I didn’t even know existed and have seen my mother. I am starting therapy in July to find out what symptoms I have inherited (there must be some I can’t see and some that after reading the above, I’m fully aware of now). He has told me he can teach me how to manage those symptoms and repair any damage I have done to my own children. I can let go of confusion and guilt now over why I felt like my mother didn’t love me and I know that there was/is nothing I can do for her. I have to stay away from her as much as I can for my own mental health, but I don’t hate her anymore. I am still frightened of her though. Through your site, and some other information, my brothers and I have had a curtain lifted as to why our family (us kids) are so distant from one another and why we lack the closeness we see in other families. So on that note, I want to thank you so so much for your simply illuminating blog ! It’s shone a light into a space that has had no light for all of the 52 years I’ve been alive. I have shared it with my Aunty, girl cousins and my brothers. I have a freedom I have never felt before and although I’m scared of opening the past up, I know that doing so will make the future the life it should have been all along. Thankyou again dear dear CL Ellis.
It continues to amaze me. The fortitude and amazing grace with which troubled people can lift themselves from the depths into a clearing. What you have shared has not only been an inspiration to me and others who might read this, but I made it a point to look up fragile X and educate myself on this genetic disorder. Thank you for the time you took to write your comment. From my point of view, I was just trying to decide whether I would take this blog down. You have answered my question. A quote I heard at the same time I read your story:”Save one life, we save the world…”. Thank you again…..