Narcissism Symptoms Checklist
How to Spot An Emotional Vampire
In my opinion, the DSM IV criteria (listed at the bottom) for Narcissistic Personality Disorder do not really help the average person. Sometimes people have narcissistic traits that overwhelm us, and we feel drained by their behavior. When an aura of confusion surrounds an encounter with someone grossly narcissistic, it helps us to recognize this red flag, and to take measures to deal with that person. Narcissistic Personality Disorder does not run rampant in our population, but dealing with narcissistic people may be a challenge for many of us across our respective lifetimes.
The cues, the verbal abuse and emotional abuse, and the manipulation, can be subtle and insidious; our sense of self erodes over time as the narcissist slowly undermines us.
Albert Bernstein’s book, (see website: Emotional Vampires) has helped me immensely to see narcissistic people for what they are and how to cope with that knowledge, and them. And it has also helped me to recognize that there may be hope for them as well as those of us dealing with them. Even if it means letting go of someone beloved, because they are not self-aware, and because to remain means we progress in feeling astoundingly diminished and damaged and small till nothing seems left of us. ~Invicta, 08/20/03
The Narcissistic Vampire Checklist
THE SMARTEST, MOST TALENTED, ALL-AROUND BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TEST:
True or false? Score one point for each true answer.
1. THIS PERSON HAS ACHIEVED MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HIS OR HER AGE.
2. THIS PERSON IS FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT HE OR SHE IS BETTER, SMARTER, OR MORE TALENTED THAN OTHER PEOPLE.
3. THIS PERSON LOVES COMPETITION, BUT IS A POOR LOSER.
4. THIS PERSON HAS FANTASIES OF DOING SOMETHING GREAT OR BEING FAMOUS, AND OFTEN EXPECTS TO BE TREATED AS IF THESE FANTASIES HAD ALREADY COME TRUE.
5. THIS PERSON HAS VERY LITTLE INTEREST IN WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING OR FEELING, UNLESS HE OR SHE WANTS SOMETHING FROM THEM.
6. THIS PERSON IS A NAME DROPPER.
7. TO THIS PERSON IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO LIVE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AND ASSOCIATE WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
8. THIS PERSON TAKES ADVANTAGE OF OTHER PEOPLE TO ACHIEVE HIS OR HER OWN GOALS.
9. THIS PERSON USUALLY MANAGES TO BE IN A CATEGORY BY HIM OR HERSELF.
10. THIS PERSON OFTEN FEELS PUT UPON WHEN ASKED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OR HER RESPONSIBILITIES TO FAMILY, FRIENDS, OR WORK GROUP.
11. THIS PERSON REGULARLY DISREGARDS RULES OR EXPECTS THEM TO BE CHANGED BECAUSE HE OR SHE IS IN SOME WAY SPECIAL.
12. THIS PERSON BECOMES IRRITATED WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DON’T AUTOMATICALLY DO WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS THEM TO DO, EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR NOT COMPLYING.
13. THIS PERSON REVIEWS SPORTS, ART, AND LITERATURE BY TELLING YOU WHAT HE OR SHE WOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD.
14. THIS PERSON THINKS MOST CRITICISMS OF HIM OR HER ARE MOTIVATED BY JEALOUSY.
15. THIS PERSON REGARDS ANYTHING SHORT OF WORSHIP TO BE REJECTION.
16. THIS PERSON SUFFERS FROM A CONGENITAL INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE HIS OR HER OWN MISTAKES. ON THE RARE OCCASIONS THAT THIS PERSON DOES RECOGNIZE A MISTAKE, EVEN THE SLIGHTEST ERROR CAN PRECIPITATE A MAJOR DEPRESSION.
17. THIS PERSON OFTEN EXPLAINS WHY PEOPLE WHO ARE BETTER KNOWN THAN HE OR SHE IS NOT REALLY ALL THAT GREAT.
18. THIS PERSON OFTEN COMPLAINS OF BEING MISTREATED OR MISUNDERSTOOD.
19. PEOPLE EITHER LOVE OR HATE THIS PERSON.
20. DESPITE THIS PERSON’S OVERLY HIGH OPINION OF HIM OR HERSELF, HE OR SHE IS REALLY QUITE INTELLIGENT AND TALENTED.
Scoring: Five or more true answers qualifies the person as a Narcissistic Emotional Vampire, though not necessarily for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality. If the person scores higher than ten, and is not a member of the royal family, be careful that you aren’t mistaken for one of the servants.
By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D.
The DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder are: (don’t try this at home, folks):
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of the following:
1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
1. KNOW THEM, KNOW THEIR HISTORY, AND KNOW YOUR GOAL
The way to anticipate vampires is by knowing how they’ve acted in the past. Chances are pretty good that they’ll do the same thing in the future. The big mistake you can make with vampires is assuming, without evidence, that though their record has been bad in the past, that they have learned their lesson, and will do better this time. When you deal with vampires, always ask yourself what you’re trying to accomplish and why. If you’re not sure, don’t do anything until you’ve thought about it carefully.
2. GET OUTSIDE VERIFICATION
Vampires want you to listen to them alone. To control you, they’ll try to isolate you from your usual sources of information. Always check out what they say with a trusted friend, especially when you’d rather not. Vampires can’t operate in the light of day.
3. DO WHAT THEY DON’T
To prevail over Emotional Vampires you must rush in where they fear to tread. Your greatest strengths lie in doing the things you can do that vampires can’t.
4. PAY ATTENTION TO ACTIONS, NOT WORDS
What vampires say is often very different from what they do. To avoid being drained, always focus on what they do.
5. IDENTIFY HYPNOTIC STRATEGY
Vampires are consummate hypnotists. When you see through the smoke and mirrors, their illusions don’t work nearly so well.
6. PICK YOUR BATTLES
To be an effective vampire fighter, you have to be able to pick the important battles and ignore the rest. You also have to avoid fighting battles you can’t possibly win.
7. LET CONTINGENCIES DO THE WORK
A contingency is an if-then situation. If someone does a particular thing, then certain consequences will follow. The only way Emotional Vampires learn anything is by experiencing the consequences of their own behavior. If you’re ever tempted to rescue a vampire, think about what you’re teaching him or her about how the game of life is played.
8. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS AS CAREFULLY AS YOU PICK YOUR BATTLES
With Emotional Vampires what you say, how you say it, and when you say it are all crucial to the outcomes you are likely to achieve.
9. IGNORE TANTRUMS
When vampires don’t get their way, they throw tantrums. They can explode into all sorts of emotional outbursts whose only purpose is to get you to give in. Don’t.
10. KNOW YOUR OWN LIMITS
Dealing with Emotional Vampires requires a lot of effort. They may be worth it, they may not. Only you can decide. Sometimes it’s better to run away, or not get involved in the first place.
albernstein.com PSYCHOLOGY THAT WORKS
CL Wacholtz
Transition Counseling Services 
Sounds like some people I know…
An Abusive Mother’s hatred for her daughter is overwheming. This is killing the loving and caring Father. Her abusive nature has separated the Father from his Family. What scares me the most is….. that Her abusive nature is showing up in my young son’s personality.
…..and, what are you doing about it?
I just had a boyfriend like this for six months and he qualifies for over 10 of those things. It was a horrible downgrading experience that drained me of my own self worth and kept me confused and unable to know what to say. It even made me feel like I was the problem, mainly because he twisted words to make it seam that way… So everyone, once you recognize these things in a person, DON’T GET INVOLVED WITH THEM. THEY WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. You will be nothing but a pawn down their path of selfish chaos, leaving you as another person they used and drained.
Thank you for sharing. There are many who recognize the signs and symptoms but persevere because they think this person can be saved. This type of personality feeds on the energy of others without really connecting. Only in the movies does the vampire return love. Real life is another thing.
The father of my kids always has a way of making me feel sorry for him, i don’t know how to stay away from him, only because my kids ask for him. its so sad because i know he don’t give a damm bout them.
My guess is that if you are smart enough to know all of the above, you are smart enough to change. If you want to. Take another step back and look at options other than staying the same. If you decide to change, others around you have to. It won’t be easy.
my husband went around giving money to several women behind my back for years, we are talking about hundreds to each woman. Mind you, not saying it because he is my husband, but men not knowing the issue commented on how unsigntly ungly they were. So it wasn’t because they were sexy. He also went by their works to do this. He was sneeking watching porn behind by back. he claims he has no idea why he was attracted to thim, highly attracted, why do you think he was and do you feel he is lying about not knowing. Is it possible to not know.
It is very possible to not know why there is this kind of attraction. The question here is, does he know it hurts you and does he want to stop. Then, you will have to decide whether you can live with his past and his current decision. Can you ever trust him again? The behaviors that you list are very ingrained. Even if he REALLY wanted to stop, it would be very difficult. I base this on working in prison with hundreds of men who attempt to deal with their sexual fantasies that have caused them to become incarcerated. It is NOT easy, even when they have lost so much because of their behaviors.
He has some serious decisions to make. So do you!
Wow, I am shocked. This describes my boyfriend exactly. The last 2 years I have been trying to figure out why I have been such an emotional wreck. I have felt very alone and neglected. It is always about him and what he wants. He twists words and blames me for everything. Unfortunately I had a child with him. Now I have to figure out what to do. I don’t see him changing ever.
Your last two sentences said it all. At this point, what should make you strong enough to deal with this situation is thinking of your child. Consider your safety; make a plan; make plan B; do not respond to his attempts to make you return to the past acceptance of his actions; move on in life and learn from this experience. He will most likely work at getting you back and then find someone who is weaker than you. That is the pattern. Consider talking to a counselor/priest/rabbi/friend who can be a sounding board for you because, this will not be easy. Sometimes seeking help within a system can give you ready access to housing, finacial aid, child care, etc. Don’t be too proud to ask for help! Good luck to you and your child.
AJ,
I have rekindled a relationship from 29 yrs ago. Became a widow 6 yrs ago.
First relationship I have tried in 6 yrs. Started out great on both our parts. Seeing each other a lot. Really comfortable,as before. We were in our 30’s before. Now 60’s.Young 60’s I must say. I think I am dealing with a person who is narcissistic or has a narcissistic personality. I feel I have the right to state my opinion without being ignored. He wanted us to be together
for the rest of our lives. Now I don’t hear or feel that anymore. He was married 3 times, divorced 3 times. Wife 2&3 were 15-20 yrs. younger. 2 unplanned children were born. Both in their 20’s now. Was married when youngest was born. Other pregnancy occurred before. Why would an older man do this twice? Learn from experience ? Or maybe these women he could control, because they were younger. I won’t be controlled and I think he realizes that.
At first , very charming and caring. Put me on a pedestal. If I criticize or express my opinion, doesn’t respond to my messages(text) for long period of time. I have learned just to sit back and let it go. It’s hard,because I do have feelings for him,as I did 29 yrs.
He was raised by maternal grandparents from early age,not close to mother,father killed in accident when young. Grandparents very strict.
It’s like a uphill climb sometimes. I feel he engaged in risky sex. Not concerned whether pregnancy occurred or not. I don’t think ” sorry” is in his vocabulary. I am miserable most of the time,hoping for a change, but not expecting one. He gives me just enough hope to keep me going until the next time.
.
I want to let him know I think he has narcissistic personality, and that’s why past relationships did not last. Should I? Or just let it end.
You appear to be someone who can see this relationship and his past behaviors quite clearly. He appears to be someone who is satisfied with his life the way he leads it…..no excuses, no apologies. Telling him what you suspect about his personality and how it has affected his life and relationships will be of no use to him. You may think it would help your peace of mind to tell him, but I doubt it. Look at this experience as the best gift of therapy you could ever have and you figured it out and chose not to jump into the fire. Thank you for the insight shared with us and here’s hoping others will see us it to their advantage. Do you tell him? Only if you really can learn more about dealing with heartache. I would be interested in what you decide and how it turns out. Take care…… of YOURSELF!
Thank you for your reply. I have already told him he was selfish and wasn’t always right. And that everyone was entitled to an opinion whether right or wrong. I COULDN’T figured out what it was,but I knew something wasn’t right.
To care about someone the way he said he did,and treat me like I didn’t exist. I thought and was puzzled,because I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I have apologized several times early on because I do love him. But now,I see it and don’t correspond with in. Get messages such as “nice weather,have a wonderful day.” Even though I know what I’m dealing with,it hard to do. I think about him everyday. I know I am an option,not a priority in his life. Why narcissism popped into my mind. Time for another meaningless text. He knows I feel alone and neglected which I’m sure is feeding the situation.
The last sentence means there are some things you need to look at in your life. Consider how you might expand your life to address “alone and neglected”. Friends, family, counselor, spiritual advisor ……. you need to start thinking about the real positives that you will fill your life with. Sometimes, scary, selfish people can be attractive. We want to help them; fix them. There are some really nice, loving people that would welcome your friendship. Take my word for it, when you change your mind and turn in another direction, you will find what is right for you. Relax; be natural and live a fine life! Easier said than done, but very possible.
Hi, thank you for this checklist. This describes my father perfectly (he scored more than 10). I always felt that something wasn’t right growing up, my father wasn’t like other dad’s in any way, shape or form! In my case, I don’t believe that telling him will ever change anything, I think it’s too late for him to accept the truth now. Luckily, he’s not part of my life anymore as I chose to let go of him. It’s the best thing that I’ve ever done, and it made me realise how little control I actually had over my own life. It literally felt like getting rid of a very big, dark cloud. Step one of a long journey towards healing…
We should all be impressed at your insight and strength. Best of luck!
All the above describe my husband , he scored over 10. I separated from him 8mnths go and he still hounds me with criticisms and nasty texts. He always makes it sound all my fault. I cannot go anywhere without him finding out and causing trouble. He can’t bear to not know where I am. He gets abusive and to me he enjoys cruel mind games. He hasn’t even asked about his step children of 9 years. We had been married 9 years. It seems all the love and care he said he had in the beginning as gone and he just wants to control even my feelings. He will just say to me I’m comin back to live with you as we are still married and expects me to let him. He dictates my mood. He seemed to relish in rejecting me for sex over the years. We had no love life unless I basically made an appointment with him. It had o be when he wanted. Never more than 8 times a year. He now tells me I’m divorcing him so I can find another man . I’m not its just I can’t cope with this anymore. I feel I’ll never get rid of him. I have always thought he was a control freak now I’m wondering if it is narcissism?
Sue, you are amazing. To have lived through this kind of stress and still be strong enough to move on……you are amazing. From what you said, there are probably several diagnosis that this man fits but, honest, the real thing you need to realize is that he will not change. No matter what he says, he will not change. He will try to change you and it will take him a long time to move on to another woman who he sees as weaker than you. My best and only advice is to stay strong, but always be aware that if he shows any signs of stalking or violence, get the police involved. You and your children deserve a calm and happy life. Remember, they have lived through this, too. Moving on is a better choice for all of you. Good Luck!!
I have a cyberstalker and bully that I believe had all of these tendencies after spending a lot of time trolling sites I met another female that also had dealings with this person. We teamed up and created a page that targets cyberbullies and bullties, when he found this out he created a page that targeted the women I teamed up with and the page was degrading and disgusting, down to even posting her phone numbers and complete lies about her. This then saw third parties texting her and phoning her with death threats, rape threats and threats to her children and family members. When ever he is called out over his fake claims of cancer, war hero, death of his wife and child, volunteering, being major corporate businessman he goes ballastic and of course we then bear the brunt of his rantings. This person has a page that has in excess of 52K followers and he is able to get some to be the third party and follow him blindly. Since starting our page we have had in excess of 30 women that have come to us that have been through the same ordeal. I am also amazed that he can get away with it.
Cyber crimes are crimes. I hope you have involved the police and/or FBI in this. Best of luck!
My friend’s 14 year old daughter fits this description to a T, she’s highly manipulative as well, and a compulsive liar. She’s not sure what to do anymore. She recently got caught on dating websites telling men she was older than she really is. She didn’t care that she could have potentially gotten these men into a lot of trouble. She used to lie about her teachers and principal treating her unfairly and being inappropriate with her. The stories were outlandish enough that I called bs. Her mom was very inclined to believe her in the beginning but after I put my foot down and made her mom take a step back and really think about what was being said, she finally realized that the stories could not be true. I don’t know what to do to help the mom anymore. She’s finally accepting there’s problem with her daughter, but is at a loss for what to do. Her daughter takes no responsibility for mistakes, she even tried to lie about the dating websites, even when presented with the profiles she created she tried to lie her way out of it and blame it on someone else. I don’t know what to do to help her or her daughter. Her daughter has made her life miserable to the point she has seriously thought about turning her over to the state where she lives. She’s a bully to her mother, little kids, everyone in her path. She doesn’t like me much bc I don’t play her games or fall for her lies. I don’t let her manipulate me, so she doesn’t like being around me. Is there anything I can do to help them?
You don’t say which state you are from, but, in NY I would suggest that the mother seek counseling from her local state mental health agency. With licensed counselors or psychologists they might help guide her through legal/mental health system. This girl has already demonstrated she is dangerous to others and at some point may turn on you and her mother. Getting this documented by a licensed person may be the best/only way to safeguard the people around this individual. Good Luck! Anyone with other suggestions?
I have been married to a woman from Romania for seven years who now has US citizenship. She definitively meets seven of the emotional vampire criteria with indications of at least three more. I believe she has some form or level of narcissistic disorder. We have a four year old daughter together whom I love dearly . We are in the process of getting divorced. The details of our situation are extremely complex but here is the condensed version.
Two years ago we separated. For about six months she allowed me to maintain fairly regular phone and personal contact with my daughter. Then she basically disappeared for the next sixteen months. During this time there was very sporadic phone contact which always entailed her trying to convince me to sign documents allowing her to obtain Romanian citizenship for our daughter and to give her permission to travel outside the US with her. I never agreed as it was clear her intent was to move back to Romania with our daughter, likely never to return.
She re-appeared several months ago and filed for divorce, now with the explicit intent to move back to Romania with our daughter. If the court allows her to move to Romania, I believe it to be highly likely that I will not see my daughter again, at least not for several years. Whatever visitation or custodial orders that would be in place would become effectively unenforceable once she leaves the US.
Due to the circumstances of our divorce, my attorney informs me that there is about a fifty-fifty chance of the court allowing her to relocate abroad with our daughter.
My main concern is for my daughter’s well being and primarily how that relates to being under the primary care of someone such as my wife.
If I prevail in the divorce and she is ordered to stay in the US, my wife will be extremely bitter and hostile towards me. I worry that this will offset any positive influence I will strive to have on my daughter and that in the long run my daughter might have been better off in Romania with a much less bitter and hostile, yet still narcissistically afflicted mother. There is yet one other possible alternative that I have been struggling with. Information has recently been brought to my attention that could possibly lead to a revocation of my wife’s citizenship and her subsequent deportation. The question then becomes, is our daughter truly better without her mother in her life at all?
I just want to do what is best for our daughter.
Oh, my. You have struggled through the first phases of this relationship – recognizing a problem, trying to fix the problem and extracting yourself from the problem. But, your daughter is the lifelong result of this relationship and she is all that matters from this point on. My best suggestion is to start finding a licensed counselor and a legal advisor immediately. Keeping this as amicable as possible will help your daughter to have a less difficult life. Knowing that you have rights in this situation may help you have input into your daughter’s life and allow you to monitor her progress. Having the legal backup and social services help will, most likely, be a needed component in the future and they will have important background information from the beginning. If you have any means to keep your daughter in this country, it would be in her best interest. Best of luck.
My mother in law has the same illness she did all kind of crimes to get things done her way with her own children her son falls for every act maybe because he wants to avoid tantrums and maybe he is scared ,but she has this power to control him even when he knows it’s wrong. He tells her every detail of our life he calls her at least 3 times a day and for hours!!! She ruined his previous marriage and is constantly trying to ruin ours. So jealous of me that she brain washes him and try to introduce him to other woman. I need help. I am losing & it’s tiring and emotionally abusing.
I would suggest that you find a very good female counselor. You didn’t say if there are children involved. If there are, it is of the utmost importance that the behavior that you live with is recorded. For yourself, you need to know that neither your husband or his mother have any reason to change. It really is as simple as that. You need to talk to a professional about your life and your feelings because, my guess is, it will get worse before it gets better. Take care of yourself, no one else is!
There is one child and recently he has been more defensive towards the mother neglecting us and traveling to her there was an adultery act from his side which she was enjoying. I feel sorry for him ,but I am wasting valuable years of my life. I have been married for 6 years. He was so in love with me ,but what the constant negative vibe we get from her is destroying us both.
I have a windowed father who spent all the money that my mother made for retirement after she past away. Several hundred thousand in a couple years. I tried to tell him, but he always bought things for other people for attention (cars, etc.). He was always talking about the 100 million he would make from this project and the 100,000 from that. When I tried to tell him it was not realistic, he would explode. This is not knew with old age, he has always done this. He always comes to me in times of need and admits some faults at that time, but keeps his finances secret and many of his side projects secret. Now he has come to me explaining that all his money is gone. It is hard because I want him to be comfortable, but my wife does not want him living with us and maybe he should suffer the consequences of his actions, actions that have been repeated with power, money, and loss for decades. Now, I don’t know what to do. I always feel I have to solve everything, but I don’t want to jeopodize my family and our finances and have the fear and worry of dealing with it. Any suggestions?
I have some questions: Are you an only child? Does your father have Social Security or any other retirement income? Does he have a house or any other valuable assets? Depending on your state and his finances, he may qualify for Social Services to assist him with housing and Food Stamps to help with food. To begin to assess his options, I suggest you see a counselor or social worker through your county services and lay this all out.
And, the only other suggestion I have is to give up feeling that you need to solve this. It most certainly would jeopordize your family. Get him to a counselor and support his best decision as long as it makes him responsible for his actions. Best of luck….Any one else have suggestions?
Thanks for your comments. My Dad reversed mortgaged his house, so he still lives in it, but may have trouble with some of the regular bills staying in it. He has no retirement now (only mom did and he spent that), but has Social Security and is a VET..
I forgot to answer you question about being an only child. I have sibling, but she has left me to deal with things because she has a hard time being around my father with his personality traits and how we have been handled through the years. She says she cannot and will not be around it.
I understand where both you and your sister are coming from. It may be possible that he can get counseling from the Vets. He may qualify for help there or from your county/state DSS. Good luck!
A close friend of mine sent me this link because we have been trying to classify our friend D for months. He’s manipulative and self-centered and only cares about other people when their emotions affect him. He was with this girl, but then broke up with her for his current girlfriend P. P is now completely emotionally dependent on him, and shuts out other people. D’s old girlfriend before P had a very tough time getting over him, due to D’s charisma and charm. People have trouble seeing D for who he is. He has a self admitted god complex, and other people view him as this exceptional student and athlete though he’s just average. He literally fits EVERY characteristic of an emotional vampire, and in my close friend’s words, he’s aggressively narcissistic. We have managed to deal with him, but he’s been going after another friend of ours, R. She’s more dependent that P, and we’re worried for both P and R. My friend has been trying to tell R to stay away from D, but it has not been working. We’re wondering how we can help R, and make sure D does not try to get her into the same manipulative cycles he has been doing with his past relationships, whether sexual or not. I even find he manipulates me, but now that he’s found R, I’m in the clear. And my friend has been finding ways of dealing with him (and this site will REALLY help with that)
We cannot just sit and let this happen to R. P is too obsessed with D to try to help her now, so we’ll just be there for her when D breaks it off (which he’s already trying to do). Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank you!
It appears that you have this pretty well figured out. Recognizing what is going on is primary. It is very interesting that you can see that this person can turn on the charm with you and how hard it is to resist. Probably the best you can hope for is being your friend’s ongoing support and help her when she falls. Sadly, this is not against the law of the land, just against the laws of kindness and good moral values. Some things we learn the hard way. If you feel there is a need, there is always professional counseling available. Best of luck and support to you all.
He’s definitely hard to resist. My friend and I are just trying to help R as much as possible. Any suggestions for the friends of an emotionally dependent, vampire targeted woman going through a breakup?
Being supportive as you have been is probably the only way you can help. Good luck!
I am the youngest of a large Catholic Irish family..my mother warned me my whole life not to trust my oldest sister..21 yrs my senior..I didn’t listen because after not seeing or hearing from her for 14 yrs due to her and mom not liking each other..she showed up on my door step announced ” I’m here”..she manipuliated my life from that point on..my husband and my kids..she sucked life out of any happiness..my mom was right..I had to learn the hard way..she has stolen lied accused innocent people of crimes she commuted and left town after she got all she could ..since then she turned my entire family against me..lied and made things she did that were very mean to seem like I did them..she made herself look like a victim..it has been 13 yrs since I have seen any of my siblings because of her..my parents passed away and now she is queen bee..if my family ever realizes mom was right..they will see why I don’t bother to argue my side of the stories she has spread ..lessons learner hard ways are definately eye opening..dumb kind hearted me fell in her vortex like a fool…
People like her are truly vampires who do their worst and move on to the next victim. You, on the other hand, are an open, trusting person. People like her don’t change; you shouldn’t either. You’ve handled it well. Congratulations and thanks for sharing.
Hello!
I am not a victim of a controlling parent (mother), but my cousin is and I am terribly afraid of what is going to happen to her, I am afraid she will harm herself eventually. My cousin is completely living her mother’s life. She has suffered not just molestation (by another family member, not her mother), mental and physical abuse her entire life. Her dreams of becoming a nurse and having a family of her own have been completely shattered by her mother.
My cousin is now under high doses of medication for “posttraumatic stress disorder” (according to her mother) and depression in order to be somewhat normal. She has eating disorders and has been through a lot and she is only 26 years old….She has suffered neglection, mental and emotional abuse throughout her life, that’s all she has seen from her mother. She has made her daughter change her career just to benefit herself, to loosing friends and possible boyfriends. My aunt is the owner of a beauty salon so she made the daughter become a beautician so she could help her. She questions her every move she makes, every phone call she makes. She is not allowed to have a cell phone, but it’s not like my cousin asks for it any way. She just learned how to not ask anything, not to like anything, to not do things she used to like; only what her mother wants. She’s only had 1 or 2 boyfriends in her entire life. She is extremely unconfident and self-conscious, she says she’s stupid and puts herself down all the time but she is really a beautiful woman inside out, but she doesn’t know it because of the things her mother says.
For many years, my cousin had all the characteristics and symptoms of schizophrenia since he would hear and see things. She was very paranoid and her mother knew all this. She probably lost about half her weight and was just bones covered by skin and her period stopped for about a year or so, still, the mom wasn’t doing anything. It got to the point where my cousin was crawling and completely disconnected from reality and mother wasn’t doing anything. It turned out that her mother hadn’t been supplying her medications for a while. One day, my cousin was so tired because she hadn’t slept for over a week so she decided to take pills in an effort to sleep but almost overdose with the pills. My aunt pretended to be scared about it but wouldn’t want to take her to the doctor, she would just yell at my cousin, called her names and was questioning what she had done. Finally, my aunt’s oldest daughter came to her rescue and took her to the emergency room. From there, they transferred her to a mental hospital where she was supposed to stay for 2 weeks or until the doctor said she was ok to go home but my aunt decided for the doctor and brought her home after only a week. Her excuse was that she was ok, that the drive to the hospital was too much (45 mins) and that she was taking too much time off from work and that she was already losing some clients. Also she made the excuse that it would be too expensive to leave my cousin an additional week. Like I had mentioned, my aunt is a hair salon owner and my uncle has been working as a manager for an air-conditioning company for over 30 years, so they have insurance and are well off financially. I mean, my aunt spends all her money in jewelry and stuff for herself.
My cousin is in denial since her mother has brainwashed throughout her life. We come from a Mexican background so most of the family members are Catholics. My aunt became Christian about 8 years ago or so, ever since, she wants all of the rest of her family members to change religion as well. She portraits herself as the best Christian but she’s just an evil person. Nothing against religion here… but it just makes me sick just to see the things she does and then goes to church. My cousin is also very religious so my aunt takes her in her advantage, “good daughters are the ones who obey their parents”. Everyone in my aunt’s home is dysfunctional. Her husband is an alcoholic and seems down and depressed all the time. Oldest son is an alcoholic as well and bipolar. Oldest daughter is an alcoholic. Second son has schizophrenia and the youngest daughter, who is the cousin I want to help, seems to have chronic depression, eating disorders and much more…. Oh, my aunt (The Mother) is a hoarder and hypochondriac by the way.
I had recently convinced my cousin to take a biology class with me. I was picking her up and driving her back home after school. Everything was going so well and my cousin seemed motivated and happy again but after 2 weeks, she dropped the class (Last Monday). Her excuse was, “I got overwhelmed that the teacher was having us read and study so much” which is not true, the teacher hasn’t even ask us to read at all! Her other excuse was “Sunday night I had too many chicken wings and I started feeling bad and sick”…. I don’t know if her mother made comments and made her feel guilty that she is being a bad daughter by not helping her at the salon that much or just her changing her mind. My aunt pretended to be ok by her taking a class but I know she is a two face and pretend to be a supportive family, but I already know her…. All of her family knows her. Most of my family members tell me to give up on my cousin, that I should be prepared for the worst, that things will never change because my aunt will never change but I just feel so bad about it….When we were teenagers we were so close and she was the sister I never had but she has changed a lot do to her moms manipulation. It’s just so unfair that she has the mother she has and does not deserve her.
I would like to know if there is a book I could send to her and another to her mother anonymously (of course) because I do not want to upset my cousin mainly (since she doesn’t know her mother is sick). What can I do to help my cousin? PLEASE HELP ME!!! 😦
Oh, my…. I hardly know where to begin. As a matter of fact, I have to say you are a wonderful person to continue to try to help this young lady. I would not try to give you advice because she is, at this time, completely controlled by her mother. You are the only person that has a chance to bring some light into your cousin’s life. Your question about a book to refer to your cousin did start me thinking. You see, your aunt is not ever, EVER going to change and by giving her a book to read, it may turn her against you. On the other hand, I thought of three books that, starting with the first one, your aunt might see as something she would not destroy before your cousin reads it. Then, the next two by the same author begin to look closer into mental health issues that might mirror your cousin’s plight. It would also help if you read them and maybe discussed them with your cousin. Take her for coffee or tea where you can be free to talk about what she has learned. Don’t tell her that this is about her life, let her see the connection. The books are:
The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1978).
Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey Toward Spiritual Growth (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993).
The Road Less Traveled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997)
People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983).
These books have helped me at certain times in my life. I am sending you my best wishes and all the hope I have. Be there for her; be loving and positive; do NOT anger your aunt. You don’t want her to see you as the enemy. Be careful about talking against your aunt. Abused children almost always defend their abusers.
I have heard many horrendous stories in my work. None top this. But, she is a fighter or she wouldn’t have made it this far. Remind her how strong you both are as a team. Best of luck……write back…..
My brother, stole from my inharetance, about 350.000 dollars. He had mom put the bank accounts, as transfer on dead, to his account. He had transferred to his account money that was on joint account, with me. Latter he falsified the amount, he had transferred. So it seemed he had inherited less. Look out for this type of swindler. Of further interst this scumbag, had been a Police Officer. There is a type of personality, called honest graft. We’re you perceive to special intlitement. All our family estate had been transferred to a single account. So it did not come under, court jurisdiction. It was my own brother, leading me by hand.
Wow. A solid 18 – no kidding. I have a history of low self-worth (I guess you could call it). The one thing I wanted out of life was to have a happy, normal family. I was so desperate for this that I chose to marry a this man despite my misgivings. I thought I’d somehow manage to be happy in a lonely, volatile marriage that outwardly fit the criteria of “All-American Family.” He systematically isolated me from my support system by infiltrating my circle of friends. Over the course of 5 years, they have become more like HIS friends, as I was always forced to stay home with the kids because he would leave for social events straight from work. He was intentional about making it seem as though I was too tired or depressed or didn’t feel like going out. Eventually, my old friends stopped calling me and would just call him to go out. Five years this went on. I never had access to the checking account, He made me lower my credit card limit to $600 to keep my expenses (gas/groceries/clothing) down for a family of five (He makes 150k a year). He was physically abusive (oddly only during my pregnancies). He is a pathological liar; nary a day went by that he did not lie to me in some way. It became too exhausting for me to confront him, so he had the idea that he was getting away with it. I can’t remember more than 5 times in our 5 year marriage that he was home for dinner. He was always “working late.”
I was about 2 weeks from a scheduled C-section when a friend of mine called me and said she had to tell me something that would upset me. She was not a regular at the local bar, but she was with some friends who were. She saw my husband there and started a conversation. When he walked away, her friends were shocked to learn that he was married. They had known him for years (from the bar). He had been telling people that he was an unmarried executive for a small film production company (a subsidiary of SONY, it seems) and had to travel between his home in Chicago and the Twin Cities on a regular basis. He had even thrown a party on his huge boat on Lake Minnetonka he said he bought, and one of the girls my friend was with even attended this party. Well, we don’t own a boat as large as the one described because this girl said she say him fooling around with another girl “downstairs” — our boat does not have a downstairs, so I’m guessing he rented it. They were certain that he had cheated on me regularly because his nickname at the bar by all the girls was “Date-Rape-Steve.”
After our third was born, I basically took a few months to build myself up because I had decided to leave him. I began squirreling away money because I knew that he would make things difficult for me. Before I had the chance, though, I was contacted by a local detective who was investigating his whereabouts on such-and-such a date. I would be the last person to know. I could tell that this detective lady wanted to tell me what was going on, but she said she couldn’t because it was an open investigation. I was eventually able to find out that he was being in fact, being investigated for date rape. He blubbered and admitted that there had been 6 women “that he could think of” during our marriage, which puts the actual number considerably higher than that. So I decided that this was my out since he did not have grounds to resist me at that point.
For five months he forced me to wallow under the same roof as him, refusing to leave and refusing to give me any money to leave (I was a stay at home mom with absolutely no access to our money and no family willing/able to help). I am out now, and even though I struggle financially and I share a two bedroom apartment with my 3 children (4 and under), I can see a glimmer of hope for the future.
I have three questions – #1 Do I go no-contact with our mutual friends? I have so few friends that he has not inducted into his fan club (one actually). Some have condemned his behavior, but are still unable to resist his wiles, but others have believed his stories that I am a cold and angry person who deprived him of affection and forced him to cheat. My problem is that they all have some degree of contact with him, and he continues to actively alienate me. Should I just cut ties completely and let him win?
#2 There is obviously something wrong with my self-esteem or ability to make good choices for myself. I am scared I will get wrapped up in another just like him. How can I prevent a repeat?
#3 What if my children become like him? —- this keeps me awake at night. My daughter already lies a lot.
You are an amazing woman and you are stronger than you know. If you have not already done so, please connect to a counselor who will help you thread through all the complex issues that will continue to come up. She should be able to suggest other agencies that might help your legal/financial issues, as my guess is, he will not go away quietly. As for your questions: 1. For now, the one friend that supports you is the one to stay in contact with. The others will show their true colors, so leave them to it. You will need all of your time and energy to care for yourself and your children. He is not winning with this approach, you are. You are finding out what these people are made of…… let them go. 2. The kind of personality that your husband exhibits is very cunning. There are others out there looking for a woman who does not know herself. This is why it is so important to seek counseling with a female professional to help you learn more about who you are and what you want in life. Having small children makes this difficult, but, #3. it is very likely that they could benefit from child/family counseling. Strong, healthy mothers raise strong, healthy children. Straightening out your life will take a long time so be confident when the experience is positive for you. Choose a counselor you feel you can trust. Feel free to change if she does not work out. I want you to know that it is definitely possible for you to succeed. I have a friend whose situation was very similar to yours and she is a wonderful success story. Reach out to positive people to ask for help. Good luck!