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What drives sexual compulsion? INTERNET SEX

In the early 1900s, Alfred Adler argued that human behavior is goal-driven. For Adler, this teleological perspective was foundational to understanding why people make the choices they do. While it might sound odd, our behaviors actually have “payoffs” – desired goals that are met through specific behaviors.

“That’s all well and good, but what does that have to do with cyber-addiction?” Everything! In over 20 years of treating sexual compulsions, I’ve seen seven repeated goals that clients are consciously/unconsciously pursing. They include excitement, comfort, escape, affirmation, power, revenge, and helplessness. Every sex addict I’ve ever worked with has been pursuing one or more of these goals, which are reflected in the current research literature as well.

The Physical Goals:
The first three goals (excitement, comfort, and escape) reflect primarily physical goals that are attained through sex on the Internet.

All illicit drug use serves the physical function of relaxation (depressants), excitement (stimulants), and/or escape (hallucinogens). Sexual behavior, both healthy and unhealthy, serves these physical purposes as well. But interestingly, sex is the “one-size-fits-all” natural drug that can accommodate all of the goals at the same time. That’s one reason why sexual compulsions are so difficult to overcome. We carry our “drug” inside us. At least with alcohol or heroin you can physically remove it from your presence. But that simply is not the case with our sexuality. The challenge is much greater – how to find healthy sexual balance and expression.

“Masturbation is the one great habit that is a primary addiction. The other addictions, for alcohol, morphine, tobacco, etc., only enter in to life as a substitute and replacement for it.”
— Sigmund Freud

There is speculation that addicts may inherit a genetic structure which predisposes them to addictions in general. Scientists believe there is a problem with the way an addict’s brain processes neurochemicals such as dopamine or serotonin (often associated with pleasure, pain and relief in the brain). There may actually be a problem with the way the synapses fire in the brain or how connections are made. Regardless of the reason, we do know part of the problem is genetic.

“It is becoming more evident that orgasm is not so much a function of the genitals as it is of the brain. As early as the sixteenth century it was known that opium ingestion decreased sexual activity and in some cases could cause impotence. Opiates occupy endorphin receptor sites on the pre-synaptic terminals of neurons in the central nervous system. In this way opiates mimic the pain-killing and the euphoric effects of our own endorphins. The inference is obvious: endorphins (and the limbic system) must some how be involved in the ecstasy of sexual activity and orgasm. The relationship between endorphins and orgasms was demonstrated by a group of neuroscientists who showed that the level of endorphins in the blood of hamsters increased dramatically after several ejaculations. This finding would account for the well-known decrease of pain during and after sex . . . The rush of endorphins into the central nervous system could also explain the euphoria usually experienced immediately following orgasm and loss of romantic interest just after sex.” Craving the Ecstasy: The Consciousness and Chemistry of Escape, Harvey Milkman and Stanley Sudnerwirth

“Many ask how sex can be an addiction when no drug is ingested. Drugs, in fact, are involved – in the form of naturally-occurring peptides such as endorphins which govern the electrochemical interactions within the brain. These peptides parallel the molecular construction of opiates like morphine, but they are many times more powerful. We know that when experimental rats are habituated to morphine or heroin, they will go through much pain in order to obtain more. However, when the pleasure centers of the brain are stimulated, releasing endorphins, rats will go through even more suffering than they will for morphine or heroin.” Don’t Call It Love, Patrick Carnes

GOAL #1. Excitement
Physical excitement is one of the strongest payoffs for sexual “acting out” on the Internet. While this may seem like stating the obvious, it is worth taking a closer look. A healthy sexual arousal pattern also includes the excitement stage. But forbidden sex adds an “adrenalin rush” that magnifies the anticipatory and excitement phases of the arousal cycle.

• Sexual “acting out” brings about greater excitement by “supercharging” anticipation and the sexual arousal cycle with a chemical “rush” of adrenalin.
• Anonymous Sex – High-risk sex with unknown persons introduces important elements of fear and risk.
• Research shows that a person is more attractive when the subject perceived fear or risk either to him/herself or that person. Fear, risk, and novelty are well-documented neurochemical escalators of the sexual experience.
• “Considerable evidence also indicates that PEA and sexual arousal are highly affected by the presence of fear, risk, and danger. For instance, PEA concentrations have been measured as extremely high in connection with divorce court trials. Experiments with attraction have shown that fears serves as an important escalator of desire. For example, in one study students were interviewed by an attractive interviewer. Those who were (falsely) told they might receive an electric shock rated the interviewer more attractive than those who were not given this warning.” Craving the Ecstasy: The Consciousness and Chemistry of Escape, Harvey Milkman and Stanley Sudnerwirth.
• Reminiscent of the variable rate of reinforcement that gives gambling it’s powerful drive, the same holds true for sexual “gambling.” Every new web page, each visit to a chat room, etc. holds the promise of the idealized sexual experience. The fact that the ideal is actually a glossy fantasy and attained infrequently only reinforces the variable rate of reinforcement and proves to create an even stronger habit.

GOAL #2. Comfort
Sexualy “acting out” on the Internet can bring about relief from life stressors. A few years back, a popular series of beer commercials featured hardworking men and woman toiling at oil drills, coast guard rescues, etc. At the end of their arduous day, they all get together for a beer, with the announcer voice-over saying, “And now it’s Miller time.”

One of the things I’ve seen over the years is how many high-pressured professionals find themselves locked in the grip of sexual addiction. Looking at their lives, one sees a clear pattern of sexual acting out as a means of relaxation from the chronic stress they live under. I call this the “Miller-Time” phenomenon. Research shows that an integral aspect of sexual arousal and orgasm includes the release of oxytocin and vasopressin, which are powerful chemical relaxants.

GOAL #3. Escape
Cybersex can provide a means of escape from the mundane “grind” of daily living. Is your life boring? Exotic fantasy worlds are just a click away on your personal computer.

One of the features of the Internet is the creation of “trance states of mind.” Trance is a common, everyday occurrence for all of us. Simply defined, it involves an intense focus on an image while becoming less aware of one’s physical surroundings, allowing the mind to wander while the body is in a relaxed state (on automatic pilot).

Trance is what happens to you when you’re driving home from work preoccupied. You look up, and realize that you’ve driven five miles down the road without being consciously aware of driving. You glance in the rear view mirror, wondering if you’ve run a red light or, heaven forbid, run somebody over. Going to the movies is another example of natural trance state. You sit in a dark, relaxed room where distractions have been minimized. Small, colored points of light on a large white screen form moving pictures that your mind assimilates into a whole. Actors play out dramatic performances created from fictional scripts and stories. But as we sit in a darkened room with strangers beside us, we experience a wide range of emotions; laughter, anger, fear, joy. In this trance state, our mind creates a vivid experience that we react to as real.

Once in trance, a person’s normal inhibitions, including sexual, are relaxed and they are able to experience events that seem very real, and can include sight, smell, touch, relationships and deep emotions. Trance also has a way of putting “time” on hold – hours can pass in what can feel like mere minutes. That’s what happens as a person views internet porn or engages in a cybersexual relationship. In the privacy of their own room, they can disappear to alternate worlds that feel intensely real.

The Psychological Goals:
The remaining four goals (affirmation, power, revenge, and helplessness) reflect primarily psychological goals that are attained through sex on the Internet.

Goal #4. Affirmation
A universal longing is to “matter” – to have our value as a human being affirmed by someone else. Cybersex can provide desperately sought after affirmation, but with a price.

• Exhibitionistic Sex – With words or posted pictures, the internet addict draws attention to sexual topics and parts of their body. Sexual arousal stems from reaction of the viewer whether of shock or interest. A longed for hope is that the recipient will approve of the exhibition, thereby affirming the sex addict’s value and attractiveness.
• Paying for Sex – Purchase of sexual services on the Internet. This is a form of affirmation – even if it is only temporarily “renting” it from another human being.
• Ongoing relationships – in the illusory world of the Internet, a person is able to enter into relationships with other sex addicts and find mutual affirmation. The irony is that both cybersex partners are typically lying about who they really are, so the affirmation is towards a falsely created “self.”

Goal #5. Power
In its raw form, cybersex can represent dominance and control over another person. In turn this affirms a sense of power that the sex addict lacks in his or her real world. Arousal is based on the notion of conquest and diminishes rapidly after initial contact. Forms of power include:

• Trading Sex – Selling or bartering sex for power. Arousal is based on gaining control of others by using sex as leverage.
• Intrusive Sex – Boundary violation without discovery. Sexual arousal occurs by violating boundaries with no repercussions.
• Pain Exchange Sex – Being humiliated or hurt as part of sexual arousal; or sadistic hurting or degrading another sexually, or both.
• Exploitation of the vulnerable. Arousal patterns are based on target “types” of vulnerability.

Goal #6. Revenge
Sex on the Internet can act as a means of revenge against perceived betrayals in the present or in the past. Hurt can come from an inattentive spouse, a condemning church, or childhood abuse.

• Anger becomes eroticized: Anger occurs in situations of high risk and fear. Anger adds intensity to the sexual experience and becomes a neurochemical escalator.
• Anger is often core to the scenarios and beliefs embedded in the arousal template.
• Anger becomes a sexual stimulus for some people.

Goals #7. Helplessness
Cybersex can affirm a person’s perceived “victim” or “helpless” condition. In a variety of ways, the goal of helplessness affirms that the person really has no control over their sexual desires, and reinforces myths/rationalizations. One example is “Men are genetically unable to be monogamous” or “It’s a generational curse, my father was this way and so am I.”

The Washington Post gave page one billing and a great deal of inside space to a new study finding “that men everywhere – whether single, married, or gay – want more sexual partners than women do.” The results provide the strongest evidence to date that the male desire for greater sexual variety is universal. And that in turn can be taken to suggest, as the Post put it, “that male promiscuity is hardwired – and therefore `normal.'” The study, by evolutionary psychologist David C. Schmitt of Bradley University, appeared in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. It was based on a survey of more than 16,000 college students from 52 nations. What made the Schmitt study so noteworthy, it would seem, is its apparent implication that men can’t help their lustful urges and roaming eye: It’s in their genes. As the Chicago Sun-Times summed it up in a headline, “Men born to fool around, researcher says.”

This study affirms the faulty core beliefs outlined by Patrick Carnes (2002):

• I am basically a bad, unworthy person
• No one would love me as I am
• My needs are never going to be met if I depend on others
• Sex is my most important need